Building Relationships Archives - The Average Churchman

6 Tips for a Better Small Group

By Adam Nesmith | February 25, 2022

Small groups are an essential part of local Church life. Certainly there are ways to get to know a fellow Church member after a Sunday morning service. But, in my experience, a mid-week small group is the best way for a subset of the Church body to mingle, worship together, and get to know one another. Like any gathering of the local Church, there is always the potential for your small group to remain shallow or to fail at it’s goal of fostering spiritual closeness among believers. That is why I want to give 6 tips for a better small group based on my own experience.

Tip #1: Define “small” and keep it a small group

This is one of the most important keys to a better small group. It is easy for a small group to grow and grow until it is no longer “small”. Why is this a problem? A larger small group can make it difficult to foster a deeper spiritual closeness with those around you. A small group must be “small” so that you can really connect with the group of people you regularly meet with. Once the group gets too big, you end up in most cases trading depth of relationship for vague familiarity.

Additionally, a large small group can make it difficult for Church members who aren’t comfortable in large groups to share their thoughts and prayer requests. Not everyone is this way, but a good chunk of your congregation will likely have a tough time sharing any deep spiritual concerns once your group reaches a certain size. Finally, a large small group ends up becoming challenging logistically. Your small group size will determine where you can meet and, the larger the group is, the less options will exist.

How can you avoid thees problems? Define from day 1 what “small” means. How large will you let your small group become before you split it into two groups? And once you have defined what “small” means, be up front with the members of your small group. Let them know and prepare them for the day when the small group will need to become two. Prepare potential small group leaders ahead of time so everything is ready when you need to “plant” another small group.

Tip #2: Meet in a Church member’s house (or at least not at Church)

If you want a better small group, meet in a Church member’s house if at all possible. In my experience, nothing beats the comfort of a home to foster closeness and open discussion. If this isn’t possible, then at least try to meet somewhere other than the actual Church building. You want to distinguish as clearly as possible to your small group members that this is not a mini-Church service. It is a gathering whose goal is to bring together Church members in a more intimate setting.

Why is where you meet is so important? I have attended small groups both in Church member’s houses and in the actual Church building. Both were great and spiritually profitable, however, I personally find that people are generally more comfortable with opening up in an actual house. Think about it this way: small group is a time to engage with and interact with fellow Church members in a different setting than Sunday service. Part of that is actually physically meeting and interacting with Church members in their “home turf” if you will.

Small group and hospitality go hand in hand. If you keep your small groups actually “small”, then the hope is that two or three attendees will be able to host you in their home. Will it take sacrifice on the part of the host? Of course. But:

You shouldn’t expect to become close with fellow Church members if you never open up and let them into your world. Your real world, your real home, the real place you and your family live.

Tip #3: Pray and sing together

Small groups can fall into two extremes: becoming a mini-Church service or becoming a completely loose “hang out” time. What is the middle ground? A structured gathering that is spiritually profitable, but also allows time and flexibility for Church members to simply interact. The best small groups I have attended have had a time of prayer and singing. Both of these are spiritually profitable, interactive, and semi-structured.

If you have someone who is musically inclined in attendance, give them the responsibility of leading the singing. 3-4 songs is usually sufficient but I have been in small groups where people want to keep singing and praising the Lord. “A small group that sings together and prays together, stays together” should be a motto. After a time of singing, I would go immediately into a time of prayer and sharing prayer requests. This shouldn’t be rushed. Let your attendees have time to really think about what sins they are fighting, what issues they need prayer for, and what praises they want to corporately bring before the Lord.

If you lead a small group, be okay with a small group meeting that spends most of its time simply singing and praying to the Lord. I don’t think you can pray or sing “too much” as long as both are focused on the Lord. Additionally, some small group members will open up and engage in the singing and prayer time who won’t feel confident enough to chime in during a group Bible study. Give these people a chance to engage and worship and grow closer with the group.

Tip #4: Have a structured discussion around God’s Word

After a time of singing and praying, I would have some form of structured discussion around God’s word. My small group discusses the sermon from the previous Sunday and tries to think through applications of the sermon to our lives. But this is not the only way to dive into the Word together. The benefit of sermon application, however, is it provides a structured conversation around a passage that all attendees are familiar with.

Whatever you choose to do, make your time in God’s word structured. Have someone leading the discussion with a passage chosen ahead of time, questions chosen ahead of time, and a general flow of the discussion chosen ahead of time. Keep the questions open ended, but make sure your small group isn’t going around simply sharing their assorted thoughts and feelings about a particular passage. Have a goal in mind and then help lead a guided discussion to get your group there.

Tip #5: Initiate open and honest discussion

Every Church member I have met likes the idea of having close, meaningful, spiritually-edifying relationships with their fellow Church members. They like the idea of being open and honest about their sin, their struggles, their spiritual victories, their doubts. But when it comes time to gather with actual people, everyone is wary of dropping their guard and opening up.

Here is the reality: someone has to initiate openness. And that someone is going to have to be you. If you wait around for your small group to spontaneously develop a culture of loving openness and spiritual honesty, you are going to be waiting a long time. Take personal responsibility to lead the group in the right direction. And it does not matter if you are the actual small group leader. Someone has to initiate spiritual openness. Why can’t it be you?

Be the Christian who is so passionate about God’s glory, so certain of Jesus’ justifying grace, and so focused on corporate sanctification that you are comfortable with candidly communicating where you are at spiritually.

Most of the time, fear of man is the thing that keeps us from sharing the not-so-perfect parts of our life. Of course, there is a balance to this. You don’t need to go into all the gory details of your most recent sin. And you don’t want to spend the whole discussion time focused on self. But take the initiative to drop your guard and accept that you are still have areas where you need to grow in Christlikeness.

Tip #6: Find a couple people to go deeper with outside of small group

Small group is a great place to go deep with fellow Church members. But there will always be a limit. You cannot have the same level of closeness with everyone and chances are, your small group is already too large for you to go deep with everyone. The solution? Use small group as a way to find an even smaller group of people to meet up with and go even deeper with. I would say that you and three others is probably an ideal sub-small group.

This will do two things: first of all, you will have a close couple Church members who you will really know and will really know you. Second, that closeness will manifest itself in a number of ways when you gather with the entire small group or even on a Sunday morning. Let gathering with Church members begat further gathering with Church members. Find people within your small group who you want to disciple or be discipled by and then meet up some other time during the week.

Conclusion

Small group is a great tool to ensure the members of your local Church are developing close, discipling relationships. One of the great joys of being a Church member and committing to a local body is getting to know other Church members. This means not just knowing their names, their vocations, or that their week “was good.” It means loving them in the fullest Biblical sense. It means sharing your lives, encouraging one another’s faith, and seeking to do spiritual good to the other person. I hope these 6 brief tips have gotten you to think about how you can make your small group even more glorifying to God and more edifying for those who attend.

For more helpful articles on interacting with other believers, click here. If you found this post useful, share on social media below and subscribe so you don’t miss any future posts. Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to get more content.

10 Conversation Starters for Church Interactions

By Adam Nesmith | June 25, 2021

I think everyone finds Church interactions difficult from time to time. Sometimes, the problem is with you: perhaps you came to Church with a wrong set of expectations. Perhaps you weren’t excited to come to Church or the week wore you down. But I think sometimes the biggest difficulty people have in Church interactions is simply not knowing how to start a meaningful, spiritually focused conversation.

Whether after a Sunday service, during a small group, or even just meeting one-on-one with another Christian, there is always a need for helpful conversation starters. Conversations starters that create an environment of trust and care which then leads to mutually encouraging spiritual conversation.

Today, I want to give you 10 conversation starters you can use in Church interactions. They are in no particular order, and the list is very much non-exhaustive. But they might start you thinking about how to best initiate a conversation with another believer.

1. What is going well in your life this past week?

You could replace “going well” with any number of related phrases. The goal with this question is to start talking about what actually has been going on in another person’s life. It is very non-threatening: the person you are talking with can think of the good events of their past week and select the one’s they want to discuss. From there, it is easy to continue the conversation and move it into a more explicitly spiritual direction.

2. What things have been tough this past week?

This question is a little more direct and invasive. I wouldn’t necessarily lead with this one unless you know the person pretty well. But maybe after you talk about the good things that went on in someone’s week, they will be more inclined to share what was difficult in their week. Use wisdom with this question. Church interactions need to be based in love and care for the other, so don’t push this question if the other person is not ready to open up in this way.

3. What has God taught you from His word this week?

For conversations amongst believers, I can’t think of any better question. Don’t just focus on life circumstances and talk about your own life. Part of the encouragement of talking with fellow Christians is talking about the Lord. What He has done. What He is teaching you from the word. I personally am incredibly encouraged when I hear what God is teaching other believers in the word. Use this question often.

4. How has God been growing you spiritually this past week?

This question is about how the Lord is orchestrating someone’s life to conform them to Christ. Maybe the person you are talking with has had some victory over a besetting sin. Maybe he or she had an opportunity to evangelize. This question isn’t about just hearing about the other person’s week. It goes a step further and asks how God has worked in another person’s week. I would encourage you to ask this question with increasing frequency, especially if you want better conversations with believers at Church.

Spiritually-focused questions tend to spark spiritually-focused conversations.

5. How was work for you last week?

This question won’t necessarily lead to some deep spiritual discussion right away. But it is an easy way to get a conversation going. Most people can remember one or two major points from their work week. And the reality is, how someone works and lives out their faith at work is an important form of spiritual discussion. How someone practically exercises their faith in Jesus day to day at work is often a good indication of where someone is spiritually.

6. How have things been with your family this week?

Work is one context where people live out their faith. Family is an equally important context to talk about. This question is pretty basic, but you will never learn how someone’s marriage is going or the struggles someone might have raising their kids without asking. The goal of Church interactions is not simply to “know all the details” of someone’s life. It is showing care and love by making yourself available. And family life is one of the most important contexts where another believer might need prayer, wise advice, or encouragement.

The goal of asking another person questions is not to force an answer. It is to demonstrate a care, love, and interest in that person.

7. How can I pray for you specifically this coming week?

This is a good “closing question” but, depending on the context, you might ask it earlier in the conversation. I once read a quote that essentially said “specific questions get specific answers.” So limit your question if you want specific prayer requests. Ask about the coming week so the other brother or sister has to think about what they actually need prayer for in the coming days. And then follow up when you do pray for them. I think a lot of “connection” and “getting to know” fellow Church members comes from praying for one another. By asking, you are already setting the stage for a follow up conversation where you ask “I was praying for ______ like you asked me. How did the Lord respond to the request this past week?”

8. What stood out from the sermon for you?

Church interactions that occurs after a Sunday sermon should often start with this question. Don’t be a Christian who hears a sermon, nods their head, and then moves on to lunch plans. The best way to guard against this is to talk about the sermon with other believers as soon as possible. Another good way might be to use this free sermon meditation workbook and work through it with another Christian. Talking about the sermon will focus your conversation on Christ and His word.

9. What has excited you this past week?

I am always interested in what excites other people. What are they passionate about? What is the topic which they could discuss for hours and not tire? This question gets at that. In Church interactions, you want to get to know the other person as a person. If a lot of friendships start because of shared interests, then you must figure out what interests other people in order to figure out if you have similar interests. Asking what excited a person in the past week will give a picture of their interests. Maybe it is a book they read. Perhaps their garden started blooming. Whatever it is, get to know the people you worship with each week and what “fires them up.”

10. What has caused you to praise God this past week?

Finally, what events or moments occurred in someone’s week that resulted in praise of the Lord? As Christians, we should rejoice when our brothers and sisters rejoice. God is worthy of all praise, so if He proved His faithfulness to a brother or sister, that is reason for you to thank Him for that faithfulness. Let other people’s life events be avenues for you to worship God. As you get to know Christians, notice and remember what God is doing in their lives. That same God, the living God, is active in your life.

I hope these 10 questions will help you in future Church interactions. Maybe keep a couple of your favorites in mind for your next small group. Regardless, seek to know and love those around you. In a lonely culture, simply initiating and continuing a conversations is often enough to make another person feel loved and cared for.

What should you do if you disagree with another Christian? Read this post to learn how to disagree with others in a profitable way. Subscribe and share below, and don’t forget to follow The Average Churchman on Instagram.

Learn Manhood from Christian Men

By Adam Nesmith | June 23, 2021

I have been thinking about Christian manhood a lot lately. Maybe it is because Father’s Day just passed. Maybe it is because my firstborn son’s due date is next month. But perhaps it is simply because I have found it incredibly difficult to get a straightforward definition of Christian manhood in American culture.

From society and many Christian circles, what I hear most is what manhood is not. Every definition is full of what men don’t do rather than giving a positive definition. More helpful Christian thinkers give positive statements, like men are called to lead, provide, and protect. Other Christians rightly emphasize key character traits men should develop, like self-control. Some call you to look to Jesus and His roles as prophet, priest, and king for insight.

The goal of this post is not to critique any of these models or even to define what Christian manhood is. The point I want to emphasize is not what Christian manhood is, but where Christians should learn what manhood is.

Both Proverbs and the New Testament Epistles are clear: men should learn what manhood is from other godly men around them.

Books on Christian manhood are useful, but limited

Books often cannot advise you in specific situations

I have read my fair share of articles and books on Christian manhood. Especially when I was dating my wife, I was incredibly curious about what it meant to “be a man” in the relationship. The answers I got were helpful and got me thinking. But I realized deep down I wanted a book that prescribed what Christian men do in every situation. But that is the limitation of good books: they can give you wisdom and cause you to think, but they are static teachers who cannot advise you in specific situations. A lot of my struggles with “what Christian manhood is” arises from living my normal life.

In daily life, I don’t often ask “what is Christian manhood?” Instead, I ask “how does a Christian man respond to this specific situation?”

As helpful as books are for understanding the Bible’s teaching on what Christian manhood is, to actually live as a Christian man requires something more than reading books. You need practical wisdom, practical advice, and specific answers to complicated life-situations. What you need is wisdom. And thankfully, the Bible tells you where you can get that wisdom.

God provides wisdom through Christian men

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13, ESV emphasis added

I have always found this verse interesting. Paul seems to imply a few things in saying “act like men”:

There is an objective thing called “manhood”
You can express your manhood by how your act
You can either act like a man in response to a situation, or you can respond by acting like something other than a man

The question is: where do you learn how to act like a man if books are insufficient? Where do you get the wisdom you need to respond to life-situations as a Christian man would? The answer I think is given both in Proverbs and the New Testament: other Christian men are the best source for Christian manhood. Now, I will caveat all this with a verse from Psalm 119.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
Psalm 119:9, ESV

Compare all the advice you get to God’s word. Even godly, Christian men who have lived many years might occasionally give you advice or thoughts which do not line up with Scripture. So take everything back to the text. That said, God seems to think other Christian men are often the source of wisdom and instruction for other men:

“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.” Proverbs 3:1
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” Proverbs 11:14
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
“One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” Psalm 145:4
“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
“And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.” 2 Timothy 2:2
“Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” Hebrews 13:7
“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders.” 1 Peter 5:5

From these verses, there are a couple things to see:

Christian manhood is taught by Christian fathers to their sons
Christian manhood is taught by Christian men from older generations
Christian manhood is taught by a multitude of men, each sharpening each other
Christian manhood is taught by observing and imitating godly men around you
Christian manhood is taught within the Church by elders who both teach and model Christian manhood

From this, there seems to be two main ways you learn Christian manhood from other Christians: they directly teach and instruct you, and you watch their life and imitate them. Practically, how do you do this?

Ask godly men around you direct questions

If you want instruction from the godly men around you, you are going to have to start asking questions. I don’t mean high level “what is your theology of manhood” questions. Ask direct, specific questions on how Christian men should live and respond to life situations.

I guarantee there are several men in your life worth learning from. They are just too busy being Christian men that they don’t have time to write books about Christian manhood. You have to extract their hard-won wisdom by sitting down and talking. Asking. Showing an interest. The man with five kids, a job, and who runs the sound room at Church probably has more profound thoughts on Christian manhood than you think. But to get them, you need to approach him, set aside some time, and come with questions.

What are some questions you can ask? Here is a non-exhaustive list of topics off the top of my head.

Ask about Church

How do you balance family life with Church involvement?
What does “leadership in the Church” mean for you?
Do you serve the Church as an individual or involve your family in the ministries you are in?
What are your thoughts on giving generously to the Church while still providing for your family?
How do you choose what ministries and meetings during the week you attend?
How do you make sure you don’t take on too much responsibility at Church?

Ask about family

What does “leading your family” mean to you?
How do you disciple your wife and children?
How do you manage and steward your money well?
What are your thoughts on children and technology?
When do you make time for the Lord individually and as a family?
How do you encourage and lead your wife spiritually?
Describe how you schedule your family’s week.
What do you help out with around the house?

Ask about vocation

How do you interact with non-believers at work?
What are ways you can make sure you have proper motivations for working?
How do you keep your heart free from the love of money at work?
What things do you do to stay involved with family life when you are away working 8+ hours a day?
How do you enjoy your work without becoming a “workaholic”?

These questions are just a taste of potential conversation starters. The point here is to first think about the areas of your life where you don’t know how to “act like a man.” Then go and ask other godly men how they answer that question. Most Christian men are happy to talk about their own victories, struggles, and defeats with manhood. Start the conversation.

It is hard for one man to sharpen another if neither man initiates a conversation with the other.

Observe godly men around you and reflect on what they do (and why)

Asking questions is the way to get direct answers on Christian manhood. But equally important are indirect answers: watch the men around you and see what you can learn. Now, in order to do this well, you cannot simply watch godly men at Sunday service. You must watch godly men in their home, find godly men who work where you work (or in a similar field), and put yourself in a variety of contexts with other Christian men.

To learn how other men worship, work, and lead their family, you need to actually observe them in each of these contexts. Watching them on Sunday is great, but how will you see how they respond when their kids misbehaves? When will you observe how they talk with unsaved co-workers? You will need to put yourself in the path of other men if you want to observe their life.

It goes both ways: you need, as a man, open your life up to other men to observe. If you only ever pop up on a Sunday and never actually involve yourself with other men from your Church during the week, you probably aren’t going to learn much from other Christian men. And they won’t have the chance to observe your life and learn from you.

As you spend time with other Christian men and their families, you need to do a couple things:

Open your eyes. Don’t just “sit there”: observe what is going on around you. You can’t learn from what you don’t notice.
Reflect on what you see. Ask “why” to try to think through why a Christian man is responding in a certain way.
Be gracious and slow to judge. Try to understand why Christian man is acting a certain way but don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst.
At some point, maybe ask that Christian man why he responded in a certain way. This will help you check your own observations and give you an idea of the other man’s thought process.

The goal with all this is to observe what “acting like a man” looks like in the field. Not just in your head. What does it actually look like. How do Christian men actually behave in situations.

People live their theology. So observe how Christian brothers lead, live, and work. Then you will learn what they believe about Christian manhood.

A final point: be discerning. The goal is to imitate Christian brothers as they imitate Christ. No man is a perfect imitator of Christ. But through observing other men, you will learn how to wisely respond to situations in a Christlike, Christ-honoring way.

Conclusion

The best and most memorable manhood advice I ever received did not come from a book. It wasn’t the result of some extensive study. It was a conversation I had with my dad a week before my wedding. I asked him what it meant to be a Christian man and husband. He gave me a sentence I will never forget:

Being a husband means getting done what needs to be done.
My Dad, Travis Nesmith

It isn’t doing the right thing for a reward or recognition. It is taking responsibility. Figuring out what needs to be done and then acting. Of all the advice I have read on Christian manhood, it is this sentence from my Dad which I keep returning to the most.

I think that is how God meant it to be. Christian manhood is learned in the trenches, not in some ivory tower. You learn it from those who are acting like men around you. Fathers. Friends. Elders. Church members. Older men. Younger men.

Our culture may be confused about manhood and what it means. But look around at the men God has brought in your life. Learn from them and imitate them as they imitate Christ.

Did you find this post helpful? Share it below. Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to get more content. Subscribe below so you don’t miss a future post.

3 Expectations for Interacting with Others

By Adam Nesmith | June 16, 2021

Interacting with other people can be difficult. This is true whether at work, at home, or at Church. In fact, sometimes Church interactions can seem the most difficult. Even for the most extroverted extroverts, holding a deep, honest conversation after a Sunday Sermon can prove hard or impossible. However, for a Christian, interacting with fellow Church members isn’t optional:

…addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart
Ephesians 5:19 ESV, emphasis added

If part of our commitment as Church members is interacting with each other and holding meaningful conversations, there is always a need to improve. Improve in our motivation for talking with others and improving our expectations for those conversations. In this post, I want to propose 3 expectations that I have found helpful to hold in my head when interacting with others, particularly fellow Church members.

Expectation 1: Most everyone is at least a little lonely

Everyone craves connection to some extent

“Loneliness” is not just reserved for the husband who lost his wife, the couple who miscarried, or the single who can’t seem to find the right person to marry. Certainly clear, objective, intense loneliness exists everywhere, including the Church. However, I think beneath the calm and collected demeanor most people (including myself) want to project, there is a bit of loneliness in each of us.

This “loneliness” I might also call “the unmet desire for deep, meaningful friendship with others and to be truly known.” It is the man who loves his family and serves the Church, but just wants a good male friend to spend time with every so often. Or it could be the mother with five kids who is worried because she doesn’t feel connected to any of the other young families at Church. Perhaps it is an elder or deacon who feels they must always “have all the answers” and therefore can’t truly open up with any of their congregants.

This “loneliness” is subtle. Beneath the surface. I know of very few people who would share this type of loneliness as a prayer request or openly in a group. But it exists behind the “how was your week?” “It was good” type interactions that can often characterize post-sermon conversations. I could add to this that publication after publication in news and secular studies have argued the way humans are using technology is making us feel more isolated. It seems safe, therefore, to expect subtle loneliness to exist in the lives of those around you.

It matters if you make an effort or not

What is the takeaway? Expect when you look up after the last Sunday hymn has ended that the people around you need and want meaningful friendship and connection. Hold in you mind that, despite their best efforts, no one in the pew around you has attained perfection yet. This perspective does 3 things:

It makes you more willing to go up and talk with someone. If someone is lonely around you, your instinct as a Christian should be to help bear that burden. This applies to subtle loneliness as much as it does the more drastic type of loneliness. Don’t ask yourself “should I go talk to this person?” Ask instead “I wonder what this person is going through this past week? Let me go ask.”
It encourages you to keep the conversation going. Most people aren’t going to wear a “I am lonely” shirt. But if you expect they have a subtle, underlying loneliness, you are more likely to keep pursuing interactions and conversations with them, even when it is difficult.
You see your own need for interacting with others. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are never lonely to some degree. Christians were made to live in dynamic fellowship with other Christians. You going to talk with a Church member after service will likely benefit you as much as it will the other person.

Like all of these expectations, they might not always be true in every specific conversation. Some people really might have a week where they are not lonely at all. But as a general principle, assume those around you need connection. The only way to help is to start trying to connect.

Expectation 2: Every human being is inherently complex

Good and bad, easy and difficult

No one’s week is a one-dimensional, simple, straightforward movement from one joy to the next. We all live in a fallen world with tensions between easy and hard, good and bad. Even if you have had a generally good week, there were almost certainly difficult experiences you went through. And the inverse also applies: if you had a miserable week, there was almost certainly some good that came out of it.

What is the point? No one’s week was simply “good”. When interacting with others at Church, assume whoever you are talking with is not a simple person living a simple life. There is depth and complexity to every single person who is made in the image of God. Even the person you think is the most “dull” or “uninteresting” at your Church has lived through a whole world of complex experiences this past week.

Get to know other people’s complexities

In both personality and experience, every person you interact with is complex and dynamic. A few implications follow:

Do not take the “my week was good” answer at face value. There is more that the other person is not sharing, guaranteed. To get past the “off the shelf” answers, you need to recognize when someone is oversimplifying their experience. If you get a “my week was good,” follow it up immediately with “what things did the Lord teach you this week?” or “was there anything that was difficult for you during this good week?”
It might take time, but truly knowing someone is always worth it. Every single interaction with a believer is a conversation with someone who is created in the image of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and is currently in a relationship with the living God. If you let that thought really sink in, there is no reason to ever write another Christian off or categorize them as “boring”. It might take time, but getting to know a fellow Christian is always worth it.
Set an example of wise openness in your conversations. By “wise” I mean you don’t dump every single experience of your past week on the other person right off the bat. Just because you had a complex week does not mean every single detail must be shared immediately. But it does mean you set the example of sharing the good with the bad, the easy with the difficult.

Expect that beneath every “my week was good” is a human being who lived a whole week with complex emotions, reactions, and experiences. This helps you see the dignity of those around you and to not oversimplify other people to the point that you think “I understand them. They can’t have done anything interesting.”

Expectation 3: You will have to take the initiative

Start the conversation. Continue the conversation.

So you expect people around you to be at least a little lonely and to be complex, interesting human beings. What now? Understanding both of the previous expectations will get you nowhere without this last one. You, not the other person, will have to start the conversation and keep it going. Who doesn’t love it when someone comes up and starts talking with them? Most everyone appreciates someone who has good social skills, who asks good questions, and can hold a conversation.

Stop assuming that person has to be someone else. Take the responsibility to initiate and continue conversations with people around you. Create the environment where that other person can open up and knows you actually care about them as a person. If you come into Church expecting a line out the door of people who want to talk to you, you have the opposite perspective you need to have.

Come into Church on a Sunday thinking “how many people can I have meaningful, encouraging conversations with this morning?”

Pursue the people around you. A great way to serve other believers practically is to simply take the responsibility to talk with them. Does it get any more practical than this? Beneath every face in your service is someone who wants to be known. Bless such a person by actually trying to get to know them. Sure there might be some awkwardness in initiating a conversation with someone you hardly know. But remember expectation 2: each person is made in God’s image and is worth you trying to initiate a conversation with them.

Small talk to deep talk

I read part of a book last year called “The Fine Art of Small Talk” by Debra Fine. The title interested me because “small talk” often gets a bad rap, especially in Christian circles. “I just want to go deep” or “I don’t want to talk about the weather” are phrases that come to mind. And rightfully so: we were made for deeper connection than small talk can bring.

However, one of the impactful ideas in the book that I appreciate is sometimes you have to start with small talk to get to deep talk. I personally have only a handful of really close friends with which I can immediately go deep. You might have one yourself: the type of person 30 seconds after you call them on the phone you are sharing what the Lord is doing or sins you are fighting or Bible passages that have become precious to you.

That is the exception rather than the rule. If you expect every single conversation you have to immediately and without delay to go to your deepest spiritual reflections, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. A more realistic goal is to start with more “mundane” things and then gradually ask questions to guide the conversation to the deeper things. If you are patient and take the initiative to keep a conversation going, there is no reason why it shouldn’t eventually get to deeper discussion.

But it takes time. And patience. Practice too. I recommend you pick up a copy of “The Fine Art of Small Talk” or a similar book just to start thinking about how to better initiate conversations and engage others. As I said before, don’t expect other people to take that responsibility for you. Become the type of Christian who lovingly pursues connection with those around them. But also become a Christian who is patient in that pursuit and is not afraid to talk about the weather because they know even the weather can become an avenue to talk about the Lord and His goodness.

Interacting with others is tough…but worth it

Interacting with others is a topic which cannot be exhausted in one post. But I think the three expectations that most everyone is lonely, everyone is complex, and you have to take the initiative to get to know them can help you become more effective in your conversations. Interacting with those around you is a command of Scripture, yes, but also a precious privilege for a Christian. You never know: interacting with a person around you might start a friendship, provide an encouragement, or bless your own soul.

It isn’t easy. But it is always worth it. Pray that the Lord would increase your own love so that you truly can “love your neighbor as yourself.” Then show that love in your conversations with others.

Check out my other reflections here. Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to see books and resources I recommend. Subscribe below so you don’t miss any future posts.

Cultivating an Others-centered Mindset

By Adam Nesmith | June 14, 2021

I don’t think I need to argue that human beings are naturally self-centered. It isn’t for nothing that the Bible says to “love your neighbor as yourself” and “in humility consider others more important than yourself”. Our natural bent is to self-love and preoccupation with our own needs. So how do you cultivate an others-centered mindset?

It is not easy. But this past week I read an excellent little book that has a chapter which speaks to this issue. The book is called “The Hidden Art of Homemaking” by Edith Schaeffer. Don’t let the title fool you: the book is a marvelous study of how everyday activities can become God-honoring, creative expressions for the Christian. It addresses both men and women and I highly recommend you read it. One of the latter chapters contains an excellent quote which I want to look at today:

We produce the environment other people have to live in.
Edith Schaeffer

What the quote means

Your behavior has a definite effect on others

What I love about this quote is it awakens a new awareness: your behavior directly affects other people. Your behavior makes part of the world other people have to live in. The main point of this chapter in “The Hidden Art of Homemaking” is you can positively and creativity add good to another person’s life. How you act, your attitude, what you value all create an environment other people have to live in.

Put another way, nothing you do is “neutral”. Everything you do, everything you are, affects the people you come in contact with. If you are always sad or dour or depressed, it isn’t just “your problem”. Edith Schaeffer gives the example in the book of a coworker who is always complaining. After talking with such a person, do you ever feel motivated in your own work?

On the other hand, if you interact with a joyful person, a motivated person you yourself often start to feel motivated and more joyful. You daily, moment by moment create a little “world” by your behavior, character, and values which other people enter and interact with you in. Your life has an active role in the lives of other people.

Why it is important

An others-centered mindset means noticing how your behavior affects other people

If you are aware that your personal behavior creates an environment for other people to live in, it becomes easier to become others-centered. The awareness that you are moment by moment having an impact on other people’s lives (whether you like it or not) causes you to start asking the question “What kind of environment am I creating for this other person right now?“

As Christians, the type of environment you should want to create is clear: a Christ-centered, God-glorifying, holy and beautiful environment. It can become very easy to not even think about how your life affects other people. But once your mind grabs on to the idea that you are continuously creating the environment other people live in, you can start actively and intentionally shaping that environment.

An “others-centered mindset” starts with realizing other people exist around you and that your behavior impacts them.

Personally, this quote from “The Hidden Art of Homemaking” has made me more aware of people around me. Rather than just thinking of myself and how I feel in every single social interaction, I start asking myself “Am I creating a Christ-centered environment for this person? How can I better this person’s life in a small way with this interaction?”

Takeaways

1. Remind yourself that you are commanded to love others as yourself

It is not enough to simply realize your life affects others. You must also remember Scripture’s commands with regards to how you treat others:

Love your enemies.
Outdo one another in showing honor.
Forgive as you have been forgiven.

Cultivating an others-centered mindset does not just stop with creating a “positive environment” in interacting with others. There is nothing overtly Christian about a “positive environment.” Your interactions with others must be in obedience to Scripture’s commands in order to truly have a “positive” effect on those around you.

Don’t settle for “positive interactions.” Pursue loving, Christ-centered, God-exalting interactions.

And I don’t think it is a stretch to add that loving, Christ-centered, God-exalting interactions often include explicit discussion and sharing of Scripture.

2. Take a thoughtful and active role in your interactions with others

I am more and more convinced that having an others-centered mindset means taking the initiative when interacting with other people. You pursue the other person. You start the conversation. When there is a lull, you keep the conversation going. You ask insightful questions to get to the heart whatever issue you are discussing.

If it is true that you and I create the environment other people live in, then we probably should become more thoughtful when we interact with others. Personally, I have thought more about how my daily behaviors (even in the little things) affect my wife. How are my actions creating a Christ-honoring environment for her? Am I acting in a way that is making it easier for her to live in obedience to Christ or harder?

And once you do that reflection, you can actively pursue an environment you desire. In the case of my wife, it might mean asking her spiritually-focused questions. Or it might mean giving up my own desires to serve her around the house. An others-centered mindset takes responsibility for the part you play in the lives of others. I would argue this mindset starts and primarily plays out in the home: how you interact with your spouse and children.

3. Realize every interaction is a God-given opportunity

Probably my favorite takeaway from this Edith Schaeffer quote is the exalted perspective it gives to the mundane. You interact with dozens of people daily. Oftentimes, they are not “important” people like Presidents or world leaders. They are also often not “important” interactions. It might be a few minutes here, a conversation there, or a chat over a meal.

But once you realize you are creating the environment other people live in, even little interactions become opportunities. You stop going from one thing to the next aimlessly. Every single time you cross paths with another human being, God is giving you an opportunity. The question is will you take advantage of the opportunity or not? If you truly believe that God is absolutely sovereign, there are no accidental interactions.

So have thoughtful and prayerful interactions with others. Don’t let opportunities pass you by. Every day you contribute to the life, environment, and world of other people. Choose, in obedience to Scripture, to make that world more holy and God-glorifying through your actions, values, and words.

I highly recommend you purchase and read “The Hidden Art of Homemaking.” Click here to read about other books I recommend. Be sure to follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to get more weekly content and subscribe below so you don’t miss out on future posts.

How to Disagree Well in Your Local Church

By Adam Nesmith | March 12, 2021

Disagreement among Church members can be a very difficult thing to navigate. Oftentimes I ask myself “how can I disagree well with this person?” By “disagreeing well” I simply mean voicing clearly the specific points of disagreement so that the conversation can continue in a profitable and unified way.

What is the alternative to disagreeing well? Just go to the comments section of almost any online video or discussion forum. Answers are not given thoughtfully. Answers are given harshly.

I worry that sometimes a worldly spirit of disagreement enters the Church. This worldly spirit emphasizes proving yourself right rather than teaching and being taught by others.

And such a spirit is dangerous for any local Church. Paul says as much in Ephesians:

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Ephesians 4:29, ESV

Even in disagreement, your goal should be “building up” and “giving grace” to the Church member you disagree with.

So, the question of how to disagree well is a vital one for each member of the body of Christ.

Now, a thorough Bible study on this topic would yield a wealth of insight. But for this post, I want to share a tool I personally have found helpful to keep in mind when disagreeing with anyone.

The tool is from one of my favorite non-Christian books of all time: How to Read a Book by Mortimer Alder. The book has a wealth of information and gives essential tools for reading and understanding a text.

For this post, there is a useful section which describes how to critique a book after you have read it. The main point of this section is not just saying “I don’t like the sound of that.” Rather, you learn to specifically and profitably think through where you disagree with the author. It is an incredibly helpful section not just for reading, but for life in general.

In this post, I am going to go through each of the different ways to disagree well. I give a visual aid below for you to reference. I pray this tool will help foster more profitable disagreements in your local Church.

How-to-Disagree-Well Download

Make sure you understand the other’s position

The first step to disagreeing is to make sure you understand what you are disagreeing with. This may seem like a simple step, but it is often overlooked.

If you disagree with someone without understanding their position, you risk several things.

First, you might not have an actual disagreement.
Second, you might misrepresent the other’s position.
Finally, you might disagree with something that isn’t integral to their argument.

I’m sure you have experienced each of these before. Perhaps after an extended (possibly heated) back and forth with someone, you come to find out that you didn’t actually disagree. You were merely using different terms.

Or perhaps someone has levied critique after critique on your position without bothering to ask whether they were representing your position accurately. This is also called a “strawman” fallacy.

Equally common is someone disagrees with a small, side part of your argument. A conversation over an important issue then becomes sidetracked over an assertion that has little effect on your conclusion.

In each of these cases, when you misrepresent someone else’s position, the conversation can become heated and unprofitable. As a Christian disagreeing with another Christian, the effects can damage your fellowship or witness.

The solution: before you disagree, understand.

To disagree well, understand thoroughly

There are a couple ways to make sure you accurately represent someone’s position.

Restate it in your own words

This is the simplest but maybe most impactful thing you can do to disagree more profitably. Simply say to the other person directly “So, if I understand you correctly you are saying…(Insert position here)…Am I representing your position correctly?”

If you cannot express the other person’s position in a sentence or two, you either do not understand their position or they have not explained their position effectively and clearly.

In either case, until you can restate the other person’s position in your own words, do not start bombarding them with your disagreements.

Ask a clarifying question

Another helpful way to make sure you understand the other person’s opinion is to simply respond with a good question. This has two good effects:

It shows you were actually listening and have some level of understanding
The question itself once answered will further clarify the other person’s position

Jesus asked good questions all the time. A great example of this is in Luke 20 where Jesus asks the priests and elders if John the Baptist’s baptism was from God or man. The question itself revealed the priests and elders hearts.

When you think you understand someone’s position, ask more questions. If you think you have asked enough questions, try a few more.

Who knows: maybe the very point of disagreement you have with another will be answered simply through asking a question.

What question are they trying to answer

This isn’t something you necessarily have to say out loud to another person. But for your own thinking, it is helpful to frame what another person is saying in terms of what question they are trying to answer.

For example, let us say you are discussing Eschatology with a fellow believer and find yourself disagreeing. After asking good questions and summarizing the other person’s position in your own words accurately, you should think “what are we trying to answer here? What is the question beneath this conversation that we are both trying to answer?”

Perhaps it is how to interpret the 1,000 years passage. Maybe you are trying to figure out what the relation between the Church and Israel is. Whatever the case, knowing what fundamental question you are seeking to answer will help you discern whether your disagreement is meaningful or not.

For example, if in the course of your disagreement over Eschatology the other person made an off statement about the structure of the Church, you should not necessarily voice that disagreement right away. Knowing what fundamental question you are answering will weed out the smaller disagreements so you can key in on one or two major ones.

A lot of unhelpful disagreements in the local Church happen because you focus on every little are you disagree. Focus on the essential rather than the side issues.

Having done all of the above, you are now in a much better position to voice your disagreement. Your disagreement will now be based on the other person’s actual position and will focus on the key disagreements.

Are they lacking important information?

Mortimer Adler puts it like this:

To say that an author is uninformed is to say that he lacks some piece of knowledge that is relevant to the problem he is trying to solve…you must be able to state the knowledge that the author lacks and show how it is relevant, how it makes a difference to his conclusions.
How to Read a Book, pp 154-155

Is there a point the other person makes that would change if they had more information? This is a type of disagreement that often happens amongst believers. Your brother or sister might have a compelling argument, but fail to remember a crucial Bible passage or verse.

The key thing to do here is to lovingly, graciously show them that passage of Scripture. Perhaps even say “how would you understand this passage in your argument?”

Oftentimes, average Christians don’t make omissions willfully. The Bible is a vast and complicated book. You and I can’t hold every single verse in our head. Therefore, you and I need other people in the local Church who will remind us of verses we might have forgotten.

Christians should welcome having our opinions and conclusions corrected by the Word of God. Most often, this correction comes from another believer.

If you are disagreeing with someone who loves the Lord and has a high view of Scripture, there is no reason sharing Bible verses with them should lead to heated confrontation. Do so lovingly. Take them to the Word. And then let the Bible correct their understanding if it needs correcting.

Are they asserting something that is incorrect?

To say that an author is misinformed is to say that he asserts what is not the case. His error may be owing to lack of knowledge, but the error is more than that…The author is proposing something as true or more probable what is in fact false or less probable…This kind of defect should be pointed out, of course, only if it is relevant to the author’s conclusions. And to support the remark you must be able to argue the truth or greater probability of a position contrary to the author’s.
How to Read a Book, pp 155

In the first response, you disagreed because of a Scripture passage which was not taken in to account. In this response, you disagree how a Scripture passage was interpreted in the other person’s argument.

An argument is built off of a series of assertions which are either true or false. Think of them as building blocks in a tower. If one of your building blocks is damaged, it can cause the whole tower to fall. So it is with an argument.

If an assertion is made that is false and it is crucial to the argument, gently show the other person why their assertion is false and what the corresponding true position is.

As previously stated, when talking among believers oftentimes this takes the form of discussing an interpretation of a passage of Scripture. If a Scripture is crucial to an argument and is misinterpreted, you will likely have to address why that interpretation is wrong and what you think the proper interpretation is.

This is incredibly common during the normal life of a Church. It is one reason good hermeneutics (how you study the Bible). That is one reason I developed a Bible study tool to help make sure you properly interpret Scripture.

Any Biblically sound argument is based on sound interpretation of each text in that argument.

Did they make a logical fallacy?

To say that an author is illogical is to say that he has committed a fallacy in reasoning. In general, fallacies are of two sorts. There is the non sequitur, which means that what is drawn as a conclusion simply does not follow from the reasons offered. And there is the occurrence of inconsistency, which means that two things the author has tried to say are incompatible.
How to Read a Book, pp 156

This disagreement focuses not on what information exists or what assertions are made. Instead, this disagreement focuses on how that information or those assertions are strung together to reach a conclusion.

Even though there are countless logical fallacies, Adler’s two large groups (non sequitur and inconsistency) are helpful and memorable. A Non sequitur jumps to a conclusion without sufficient evidence. Inconsistency asserts two contradictory things to be true.

Addressing this type of disagreement in the Church can potentially become the most heated in my experience. In this case, you are not offering additional texts or pushing back on a textual interpretation. You are instead asking “do those texts together lead to that conclusion?“

I think one of the reasons this type of disagreement can become contentious is it is more personal than the previous two. Both of the previous disagreements were focused on the texts themselves. This disagreement is saying “you personally have come to a conclusion by your own mental error.”

Tread humbly and carefully when critiquing someone’s logic. Remember: the goal isn’t to be right or to feel smart. Your goal should be to lovingly correct your brother or sister in Christ for their own edification.

Questions like “does that follow from text?” or “can those two assertions be made at the same time?” are incredibly helpful. But wield them wisely and tactfully.

Is their analysis incomplete?

This type of disagreement is a little different from the previous three. If you have any of the previous three disagreements, you can disregard someone’s conclusion. This final disagreement merely judges the completeness of an argument, not the quality of the argument itself.

Adler explains:

To say that an author’s analysis is incomplete is to say that he has not solved all the problems that he started with, or that he has not made as good a use of his materials as possible, that he did not see all their implications and ramifications, or that he has failed to make distinctions that are relevant to his undertaking.
How to Read a Book, pp 159

For this type of disagreement, it is helpful to remember what question you originally were seeking so solve. Has your brother or sister’s argument answered that question thoroughly? If not, you can help them expand it or address an area that needs more thought.

This also comes in handy when thinking about the application or the “so what” of a Biblical text. If the argument is sound but the implications are not fully explored, help your brother or sister think through them.

The Puritans had useful questions to ask to solve this problem. I recommend you commit them to memory so you can help others in the Church think through important Biblical implications.

It is important to note here that all human’s are finite. No one’s analysis is going to exhaustively represent all of Scripture. Only bring this type of disagreement up if it is helpful for the conversation. Don’t show off for no purpose by expounding a hundred meaningless implications other people haven’t thought of.

I find this type of disagreement most often comes up in leading small group discussion. It helps to restate the person’s thoughts in your own words and then add maybe one other important thing they forgot. Don’t list out everything you may want to add.

One of the biggest blessings of the local Church is sharing our Biblical knowledge with each other. You can know more of the Bible within a community of believers than you can on your own.

Do you like having tools like this? Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to never miss one.

Check out my previous tool which will help you apply Scripture to your life.