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The Only Christian Dating and Marriage Books You’ll Need

By Adam Nesmith | April 21, 2021

Navigating romantic relationships is difficult for anyone. Christian couples are no exception. If you were to go to the “Christian section” of a book store, you would likely find many Christian dating and marriage books. Many are helpful. Some are not. And discerning which books are worth your time can become a difficult task.

I often think about Ecclesiastes 12:2 when I see how many Christian dating and marriage books are written.

Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.
Ecclesiastes 12:2b, ESV

My wife and I were blessed to have several solid Christian dating and marriage books recommended to us throughout our relationship. What makes these books so good is how Biblically sound and practically helpful they are. My recommendation is to not wear yourself out by studying a whole library full of Christian dating and marriage books.

These four books will get you into Scripture, will get you thinking about your relationship, and will get you talking with your partner about how and why you do what you do.

Christian Dating Books

She’s Got the Wrong Guy by Deepak Reju

This book is not just for girls. I think every Christian should read this book before dating and most certainly after they have started to seriously get to know someone. It is rare you read a book so thoroughly biblical while also being so completely practical. I asked my now wife to read this book when we first started dating so she could evaluate me as a man. And I read it before I started dating my now wife to make sure I was not falling into sins or patterns of behavior that were contrary to Scripture.

The heart of the book contains character sketches of the types of guys Christian girls should not date. A few of the “wrong guys” include

The Control Freak
The New Convert
The Long Ranger
The Passive Man
The Unteachable Guy

And so on. The book is filled to the brim with Biblical wisdom, particularly in the area of relationships we often need the most guidance: discernment.

Biblically-informed discernment is vital early in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to get the clarity you need early on.

“She’s Got the Wrong Guy” will help you see clearly whether you should continue dating a guy (if you are a woman) or is you are the type of guy a girl should date (if you are a man). The book also includes a super practical ending section on how to break up in a God-honoring way and includes a thorough study of what the Bible has to say about waiting.

I could not recommend this book enough. Get it, read it, discuss it, then pass it off to other couples. It is biblical, clarifying, and encouraging all at the same time.

Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot

My wife loves Elisabeth Elliot. So when we had just started dating, she wanted me to read “Passion & Purity”. In return, I asked her to read “She’s Got the Wrong Guy.” When I started “Passion & Purity”, I was a little suspicious. I never agreed with Joshua Harris or the dogmatic subset of the “courtship culture.” I was worried Elisabeth Elliot would fall into one of those two camps.

But I was wrong. The book is Elliot telling her love story all for the purpose of offering an encouragement to Christian couples: “It is possible to love passionately and to stay out of bed.” That is the first theme in the book. You can love someone passionately and still honor the Lord. As a romantic person by nature, I found this refreshing. Christian dating didn’t have to be emotionless or excessively guarded. I could pursue my now wife passionately and fervently without thinking that it was sinful to do so or would necessarily lead to sin.

A second major theme in this book is waiting. Honestly, the best and most biblical Christian dating books I have read have made waiting on the Lord a central theme. And “Passion & Purity” is no exception. Just hearing the long wait Elisabeth and Jim had to endure illustrated how to wait well for God to bring you into marriage. Books like this help set your expectations in dating. Waiting is the norm. Patience is one of the best fruits of the Spirit you can cultivate both before dating and during dating.

The third theme in “Passion & Purity” is obedience and self-sacrifice. Elisabeth writes dogmatically, apologetically, and directly. This can turn off many modern readers who are accustomed to reading books which are non-confrontational, which hedge their bets, which are careful not to state anything too strongly. Don’t read “Passion & Purity” to get a lot of “exceptions to the rule” or “gray areas.”

Elisabeth Elliot will tell you straight up that following Christ requires you to die to yourself. Dating is no exception.

Now, I did not agree with every single minute thing in “Passion & Purity”. The only way you can make this book unhelpful is if you accept every little thing Elliot says as prescriptive. I don’t think that was her purpose in the book. Glean wisdom from her experience, and think deeply about the Biblical truths she applies to dating. If you do that, you will likely come away with a more biblical perspective of relationships than what you had before you read the book.

Christian Marriage Books

When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey

When my wife and I were engaged, this book was recommended to us by practically every solid Christian we knew. I normally am suspicious when a book is a “must read”. But in this case, the recommendations we received were spot on. I have read a ton of books in my life so far. But I can safely say this is in the top 5 best books I have ever read. Easily. Every Christian should read it, even if they aren’t currently in a relationship.

I don’t use “Gospel-centered” very often. But I can truly say the Gospel is in every page of this book. I have never read a book that meditates so deeply on the gospel and then applies it so thoroughly to an aspect of the Christian’s life. My wife and I read it together before we were married and we still reference it in our marriage.

Every chapter focuses on a specific topic related to marriage and builds on the previous chapter. Most of the chapters have a memorable story to serve as an example, an exposition of a Bible passage, and then concludes with how living out that passage might look in your marriage. Harvey is an excellent writer who words things in memorable ways.

Once you read this book, you will start noticing in your marriage the ways you are falling short of God’s standard. But you will also see how the gospel covers and empowers you to reflect Christ and the Church in your relationship. If I had to pick out once foundational quote to summarize the book, it would be

Mercy sweetens marriage.
Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful, even in the face of challenges, setbacks, and the persistent effects of our remaining sin.
When Sinners Say I Do, emphasis added

Read this book. Your eyes will open to what Scripture has to say about your marriage.

The Marriage Journal by Audrey & Jeremy Roloff

To end this post, I want to give a final practical tool my wife and I use in our marriage. “The Marriage Journal” isn’t a book to read as much as it is a set of weekly questions to ask each other. Every week you fill out a calendar of things you are going to do that week, read a short devotional, and then ask each other 6 questions:

What brought you joy this week?
What was hard this week?
What is one thing I can do for you this week?
Is there any unconfessed sin, conflict, or hurt that we need to resolve and/or seek forgiveness for?
What is a dream, craving, or desire that has been on the forefront of your mind?
How can I pray for you this week?

Why do I love this resource? It has helped my wife and I maintain a pattern of communication throughout our marriage. There have been countless important conversations that have come about simply from doing this journal week after week. An added bonus is you get to look back and see what you were doing, what you were thinking, and what you were going through that year.

This is a frequent wedding gift we purchase for people because we have seen the benefits of weekly communication. No matter where you are at in your marriage, scheduling time for serious conversation and reflection will benefit you and your spouse.

So those are the Christian dating and marriage books I recommend. And I don’t often recommend any other books besides these for couples. I find that they give enough wisdom, biblical insight, and practical application to guide you through dating and into marriage.

Do you have any Christian dating or marriage books that you find helpful? Let me know what they are! Click here to see my other book recommendations.

3 Unexpected Lessons from My COVID Wedding

By Adam Nesmith | March 19, 2021

May 23, 2020. That was the date I got married. Now and for all my life, my wife and I will be lumped into the category of “COVID wedding.” There is much I could write about how COVID changed our plans and affected our wedding. But as I approach my 1 year wedding anniversary, there are several unexpected lessons God taught my wife and me through it all.

In this post, I want to give you some of my personal thoughts on how God used my COVID wedding to sanctify me and my wife. I think one of the most helpful disciplines Christians can have is reflecting back on past circumstances. When you and I reflect, even in the most inconvenient of circumstances we can see God’s abundant faithfulness.

With that said, here are three very personal lessons I learned from having a wedding during COVID.

Lesson #1: God gets to choose how I glorify Him

What is my ultimate purpose in all I do?

Tough circumstances cause you to question your life. My wife and I (mainly my wife) had spent months planning our wedding. My wife got almost everything lined up months ahead of time. Venues where chosen. Deposits were made. My wife even designed the wedding invitations and save the dates.

Then it all changed.

Within a few weeks, my wife and I saw almost every single one of our plans come tumbling down. There were days and days of tears and fragile hopes. But within the sudden change, there was one question my wife and I kept coming back to:

What is our goal of this wedding? Is our ultimate goal God getting glorified or us getting the plans we made?

A lot of times, you go through life just doing things. Making plans. Climbing up the ladder at work. Attending Church as a habit. The question of why you do what you do sometimes goes unanswered in the day to day mundane.

Sometimes it takes difficult circumstances to cause you to stop and ask “Why am I doing this? Am I living for God’s glory, or not?”

That is what having a COVID wedding caused my wife and I to ask. In the middle of what could have been a very easy and self-focused season of life, God brought about circumstances which forced us to reflect.

Theology can become scary when it comes to life

I love talking about God’s sovereignty. I love talking about how the goal of all of life is to bring God glory. It is easy to talk about these truths to others and sing them on a Sunday morning service.

Then, in March 2020, these truths came to life. I had casually affirmed God’s sovereignty, but it is easy to affirm such a doctrine when you feel you have control over your life. COVID changed all that. All of a sudden, I woke up and my life was not in my control.

And wake up I did. A wedding is something, above all else, you feel like you “deserve” control over. After all, you have waited your whole life for this day! There is never going to be a day like it again! Doesn’t God owe it to you to give you the freedom you need to make it how you want it?

God is either always sovereign all the time or He isn’t. Affirming this truth is completely different than seeing it in your life.

Seeing God actually exercise His free will over my life was scary. I can’t lie and say that it wasn’t. But as time went on, my wife and I came to realize we were shouldn’t be surprised. We were just seeing the truths we already knew being played out in our lives.

Even though it can be scary when God interferes with your life, even that is a grace. God is reminding you who is King of the world. Of your life. And it isn’t you or me.

You cannot control when God interferes with your life or your plans. You can only choose if you will respond in worship, or with bitterness. God is still King regardless.

Two verses that anchored my heart

Thankfully, in the struggle and surprise of planning a wedding during COVID, God did not leave my wife and I without encouragement. God doesn’t just bring things into our life and not also give us the comfort we need. There were two verses in particular that anchored my heart during all the change and disorientation.

The first passage was the final few verses in Habakkuk. Talk about a Bible passage coming to life! I had read Habakkuk several times before, but all of a sudden the verses seemed alive and leapt out of the page.

Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the field produces no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will triumph in Yahweh; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! Yahweh my Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights!
Habakkuk 3:17-19, HCSB emphasis added

I don’t know about you, but when COVID hit I felt like the fig tree wasn’t budding. I felt like there were no sheep in the pen. It felt like circumstances were falling apart left and right. In short, I felt a lot like Habakkuk in this passage.

But look at the answer Habakkuk comes to: he will triumph in the Lord. Even in the midst of disastrous circumstances. When the worst happens, God is still the source of our salvation. And not only our salvation; the Lord is our strength as well. We don’t get through suffering on our own; God empowers us to walk through it.

These verses comforted me during COVID’s initial quarantine. But as the wedding approached, the question my wife and I had to answer was “should we move our wedding? Should we stick to the same day? What does God want from us?” And it was the final section of the gospel of John which helped us.

(Jesus) said this to signify by what kind of death (Peter) would glorify God. After saying this, He told him, “follow me”…
When Peter saw (John), he said to Jesus, “Lord-what about him?”
“If I want him to remain until I come,” Jesus answered, “what is that to you? As for you, follow Me.”
John 21:19, 21-22

I can’t describe to you the encouragement the Lord gave my wife and I through these verses. In this passage, Jesus tells Peter “by what kind of death he would glorify God.” Peter responds to this by asking about John. Will John die in the same way? What is God’s plan for John’s life?

Jesus response is simply “Don’t worry about John. Follow me.” God gets to choose how Peter glorifies Him. God gets to choose how John glorifies Him. The only responsibility both Peter and John is following Jesus.

As my wife and I looked at our wedding plans, we were constantly tempted to compare our wedding to “normal weddings.” Would we get to have the same amount of guests? Could we have a reception? What about all the joy and attention guests give the bride and groom?

God’s answer to us in this passage: Don’t worry about other people’s weddings or how they happen. Worry about how the Lord wants you to glorify Him in your wedding.

It was a perspective-shifting verse. It isn’t about whether our wedding is “normal” or whether we get the wedding other people get. All that matters is glorifying God with the circumstances He has given us.

God gives different people different circumstances, gifts, & opportunities. That shouldn’t be your main focus. Focus on stewarding what God has given you

God gets to choose how you glorify Him. Period. Once my wife and I realized a COVID wedding was God’s choice for us, we were able to accept his will and move on from there. We stopped asking “why us God?” and starting asking “what do you want us to do?”

Lesson #2: There are blessings when you accept God’s will

There are opportunities even in the worst circumstances

Once my wife and I accepted that a COVID wedding was God’s will for us, we started seeing opportunities God gave us within our circumstances. The first opportunity was getting to live-stream our wedding. We had friends around the world serving the Lord who could not have made it to an in-person wedding. When COVID hit, my Church like so many others was forced to start live-streaming its services.

Live-streaming our wedding allowed people who either could not have made it to our wedding or who we could not have invited because of limited Church space to watch and enjoy our wedding. In an ironic way, although we could only have immediate family physically at our ceremony, more people saw our wedding because of COVID. People which included my unsaved family from across the country. Unsaved friends who might not have been able to attend had time to watch our wedding.

A God-centered life sees purpose and intentionality in everything. Even situations which you would not have wanted for yourself.

Not only were more people able to “attend”our wedding, our COVID wedding blessed my wife and I by letting us focus more on each other and the covenant we were making. My wife told me afterwards that just having the most important people physically there, our family, allowed her to be more present in the moment. We weren’t thinking about people watching us. We were simply focused on the sweet moments of our vows, our first kiss, and the joy of family celebrating with us.

Since we didn’t have a reception, my wife and I were able to end the day less tired. That led to more time with each other in our first day of marriage. And while I did miss getting to celebrate with all the important people in my life, I would not trade those precious first hours of marriage for anything. God gave us a wedding that looked very different from “normal” weddings. But the uniqueness made it special for my wife and I in a specific way.

Unexpected blessings the Lord gave me

But probably the biggest blessing God gave my wife and I through our COVID wedding came after the wedding. Because of the pandemic, the first four months of marriage I was working at home and my wife was looking for a job. What that meant was our first summer together was spent spending every single day together. No heading off to work in the morning. No busy schedule to distract us.

Before I was married, I had heard people talk about Deuteronomy 24:5.

When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.
Deuteronomy 24:5 ESV

That always sounded amazing to me. Getting a whole year to focus on being with your new wife. But I never imagined I would get anything close to that. After all, modern life doesn’t let you stop your job for a year. You might get a week off for the honeymoon but then it is back to work and “life as usual.”

God gave my wife and I a unique gift: we got to live out Deuteronomy 24:5 more than any other couple I know. A whole summer was granted to us to do nothing but enjoy the happiness of marriage. And even when I went back to work, it was only every other day in person. The Lord gave my wife and I the sweetest gift we could ask for: time together.

Now tell me: if you had a choice, would you rather have the exact wedding you wanted, or four perfect months married after the wedding? Its an impossible question to answer in a way, but for my wife and I, we were happy to enjoy the blessing of a care-free summer newly married. I would not have traded that for a normal wedding. Never.

All this goes to show God still gives exceedingly and abundantly above what we ask or think. Even during COVID. Even in the midst of loss or change.

In acceptance lieth peace.
Amy Carmichael

Lesson #3: Keep the main thing the main thing

Tough circumstances cause you to ask tough questions

When there are difficulties in your life, you tend to ask better questions. Tough circumstances cause you to slow down and think. Cause you to take stock of what is actually important, what actually is in your heart. For my wife and I, COVID caused us to ask a ton of difficult questions about our wedding plans.

Should we move our wedding? Should we proceed assuming COVID restrictions will get relaxed? Maybe we could reschedule the reception. Change the venue. Wait until the fall. Making decisions in ambiguous situations with limited information is incredibly difficult.

But these questions allowed us to ask a more important one: what do we ultimately want? A wedding or a marriage?

Plenty of people have weddings. They are beautiful affairs full of joy and dancing and fellowship with others. But what is that all for? Is all that necessary or required? What makes a “good wedding” or a “Christian wedding” or a “God-glorifying wedding?”

One of the best questions we had to ask ourselves was “Is what God is giving us enough? What is more important: the wedding or the marriage?”

These weren’t easy questions to answer. There were many tears and prayers involved. But ultimately, my wife and I realized that waiting for COVID restrictions to relax wasn’t the path forward. It was difficult giving up our “dream wedding.” But it became less difficult when we asked ourselves what we really were valuing most.

And marriage to us was the important thing. More important than getting what we wanted for the wedding itself.

The object of your happiness determines if that happiness will last

I love weddings. Going to them growing up always made me think of the day I would get married. Weddings always seemed to be the height of beauty and joy on earth. The toughest part of letting go of my “dream wedding” was realizing I would not get what I always pictured my wedding would be. All the pictures I painted in my head would not become reality.

But does that mean I missed out having a COVID wedding? Did I somehow get a “lesser experience”? Was my ceremony a sort of second-class, unfortunate situation to be pitied? Do I need to have a “make-up” ceremony later to make sure I get what I always wanted?

John Piper has a helpful quote I think when we have to give up our dreams for our lives.

Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you.
John Piper, Desiring God

The question I had to ask myself was simply “what is the foundation of my happiness?” It is easy to say “God is my happiness” when everything else in your life is going well. Tough circumstances reveal your idols. And for me, oftentimes my own comfort is my idol.

But the amazing reality is when your happiness is based in God and in Christ, you can truly have happiness in any circumstance. You can have contentment in all things, because Jesus is strengthening you. And my wife and I were able to experience that happiness during our COVID wedding. It was not what we had planned for ourselves. But it was God’s plan for us. And the reality was God had not changed, He was still always good, and always in control.

Reflecting back on my wedding, I would not change a single thing. God’s will was and is always perfect. The lessons my wife and I learned from getting married during COVID have served our marriage well already. God calls us all to different circumstances; each person gets distinct blessings and trials. But oftentimes, the lessons are the same. One of the best things you can do is reflect back on your own circumstances and see what lessons God is teaching you.

If you want to read my thoughts on finding happiness in the right places, check out my series “Happy?” Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram so you don’t miss any future posts.