Before Jesus ascended into Heaven, He told His disciples to go and make disciples of all nations. Jesus Himself had set a perfect example of what discipling others practically looks like. But what is “discipleship” at the most basic level? My goal for this post is for you to leave with discipleship defined clearly in your mind. Discipleship is a rich Biblical concept and Christians must know what it is, and what it isn’t in order to properly obey Jesus’ command.
What does the Greek word mean?
The word “disciple” in Greek means “follower.” Simple enough. If you have heard any good teaching from the Gospels, no doubt you already know this basic definition. A “disciple” is a person who follows another person. But this following is not merely a physical walking behind another person. Rather, a disciple seeks to learn from another person.
What does a disciple want to learn? Most likely a number of things: learn about the world, learn a way of life, learn about the divine. But in the New Testament, all true disciples follow one person: Jesus. The 12 apostles physically followed Jesus during His earthly ministry and disciples throughout the history of the Church have looked to Jesus as the source of truth, grace, and eternal life among other things.
Therefore, to disciple someone else is to make them a follower. But Christian discipleship is not focused on getting people to follow you per se. Rather, the goal of Christian discipleship is to call another person to “imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1).
If you want to disciple someone else, your goal should be helping them become a more obedient follower of the Biblical Jesus.
This is why true discipleship always points back to God’s word: it is only through studying the inspired Word of God that anyone alive today can come to know the resurrected Jesus.
What discipleship isn’t
“Helping other people better follow Christ” is a good starting definition of “discipleship”. But if we want discipleship defined, we are going to have to consider what discipleship isn’t.
First, discipleship is not focused on drawing people to yourself. Your aim in discipleship is not to amass followers for yourself or to convince people of your particular “brand” or “flavor” of Christianity. Paul critiqued this kind of discipleship when the Corinthian Church was dividing itself by people saying “I am a follower of Paul” or “I am a follower of Apollos.” Biblical discipleship, however, is primarily concerned with pointing people back to the Word of God so people can know Christ better and then obey more fully His teaching.
In a modern world full of the pursuit of fame, it is very easy to miss this point. Sin can distort your discipleship efforts so that you become more focused on the good feelings which accompany people listening to you rather than focusing on “Christ being formed” in the other person.
The only barometer of success for discipleship is the extent of which those who are listening to you are loving Christ more deeply and obeying Him more fully.
All your authority in any discipling relationship is derivative: you have no truth, no insight, no wisdom to give apart from what you can show from Scripture. This is another key point: discipleship is not focused on displaying your great insight to others. Oftentimes when people come to listen to your thoughts on Scripture or the Bible, pride can creep in and you end up using God’s truth as a way to stroke your ego rather than to display Christ. Don’t make this mistake. You have nothing to offer except what has been granted to you from God. Steward it humbly instead of using God’s good gifts as means to puff up your pride.
Finally, discipleship is not merely meeting up with other Christians. A group of Christian friends can go to coffee or watch a movie together, but this is not discipleship. It is good to have social meet ups, it is good to have friends at Church, it is good to talk about general topics like work or music or family. But for discipleship to actually occur, there must be a direct, explicit spiritual focus. That doesn’t mean that discipleship is only teaching: some of my most profitable times of discipleship have been observing other believers in action. But whether you are discipling in action or teaching explicitly, the person observing or listening to you must walk away with some greater sense of who Christ is in order for it to be “discipleship.”
Discipleship defined by way of two summary sentences
Now that I have given you the most basic definition of discipleship and gone through what discipleship is not, I want to close this post with two summary sentences defining discipleship. The first sentence is more focused on you, the discipler, while the second sentence is focused on what God is doing through you.
Discipleship is investing your time and effort into someone else’s life for their spiritual good.
The metaphor of “investing” is one of the most helpful metaphors I have found for what discipleship is. Most people in the modern world have a general understanding of what investing is. If you were to invest your money into a stock, you are giving up something in the present in hopes of gaining something in the future. This is exactly what you do on a spiritual level by discipling another person: you give up your time and energy in the present in hopes that the other person will gain a greater understanding of God’s truth.
This “investment” language makes it explicit that Biblical discipleship will almost always involve sacrifice on your part. It isn’t always easy, and just like when you give up your money to invest in a stock, you often will need to give up your time or your comfort or your schedule in order to disciple others. But the upside of this investment is tremendous; “the harvest is plentiful.” Now for the second summary definition:
Discipleship is when God uses you as a means to bring about Christlikeness in another person’s life.
Discipleship is not merely something you are doing. God is using you: in discipleship you become a tool of sanctification God uses to shape someone else. If you only focus on what you are doing in discipleship and lose sight of what God is doing, you will either become easily discouraged or worse: you will focus on drawing people to yourself rather than pointing them to Christ.
Always remember: you are the instrument, not the main goal. Worship of Christ in heart and action is the goal of discipling someone else.
As a tool, you are not important in and of yourself. But you are useful when God uses you to build up those around you.
So invest yourself in other people’s lives. Grow to love Christ more yourself and then help others to do the same. Discipleship is costly, time-consuming, exhausting, exhilarating, magnificent, joyous, astounding, humbling, and worth it.
This post is part of an ongoing series called “Becoming a Discipling Christian.” Click here if you missed a previous post. If you found this post helpful, please share on social media below and subscribe to The Average Churchman email list. Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram to get further content.
Once Jesus was resurrected, He commanded His disciples to “go and make disciples of all nations.” But what does that discipleship look like? How does one go about obeying this command practically? How would the original apostles have gone about doing this? I think the answer is clear: Jesus had spent the past several years discipling the apostles, setting an example for how discipleship is to be done. In short, the apostles would have learned their discipleship principles from Jesus. And so should you.
In this post, I want to extract practical discipleship principles from Jesus by looking at how He behaved towards His disciples. This post will look at the Gospel of Matthew in particular. There are many different ideas and methods put forward today for how to disciple someone. But the most important and foundational principles are laid down by Jesus in the Gospels. You must internalize and meditate on how Jesus interacted with His disciples in order to be effective at discipling others in obedience to the Great Commission.
1. You must initiate the discipling relationship
While walking by the Sea of Galilee, he (Jesus) saw two brothers, Simon (who is called Peter) and Andrew his brother, casting a net into the sea, for they were fishermen. And he said to them, “Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.” Immediately they left their nets and followed him.
Matthew 4:18-20 ESV, emphasis added
It goes without saying, but the 12 apostles didn’t choose themselves to become Jesus disciples. Jesus initiated the relationship. Jesus called the 12 from their different areas of life and commanded them to follow Him. Furthermore, in Matthew 4 Jesus states His goal with discipling Peter and Andrew: He will make these brothers fishers of men.
“Fishers of men” is an apt metaphor for discipleship. No one goes fishing by sitting at home and waiting for the fish to swim up on land and come to them. Fishing means going out and catching the fish yourself. If you want to disciple other people, you are going to have to initiate the relationship. If you sit around waiting to be swarmed by individuals dying to glean wisdom from you, you will be waiting a long time.
Fishing for men means taking responsibility to go out and find people to disciple.
Now, unlike Jesus who has all authority, not everyone you approach with immediately follow you as Peter and Andrew did Jesus. But this discipleship principle from Jesus still holds: if you want to have a discipling relationship with someone, you are going to have to take the first steps.
2. Discipleship involves both direct teaching and setting an example with your lifestyle
The 12 apostles were around Jesus for the length of His earthly ministry. During that time, Jesus both taught the disciples directly, and set an example by His conduct. The Gospel of Matthew contains several sections recording the teaching of Jesus, including the famous section “The Sermon on the Mount.” Beyond this formal teaching, the 12 apostles received teaching not given broadly, such as Jesus interpreting parables for them.
But it would be foolish to limit Jesus’ discipleship of the apostles to His teaching ministry. The apostles also:
Witnessed Jesus’ miracles
Watched Him respond to the Pharisees
Listened as He answered questions from the crowd with wisdom
And more. Because the apostles were around Jesus constantly, they had the unique position to both hear what Jesus said and observe how Jesus acted. And this “hearing and seeing” is crucial to any discipling relationship. Certainly a good amount of time discipling others will involve teaching. But just as important is how you yourself behave and conduct yourself.
If you disciple someone, you are not only saying “listen to me.” You are also saying “imitate me as I imitate Christ.”
Just like Jesus, you need to modelin practice what you teach in precept. You oftentimes have more opportunities to display godly character in action than you do communicating godly characteristics in word.
3. Discipleship is honest about the joy of following Christ and the cost of following Christ
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
Matthew 11:28-30 ESV, emphasis added
Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
Matthew 16:24-25 ESV, emphasis added
Jesus did not sugarcoat the cost of following Him. Neither did He undersell the peace and joy He provides. Discipling involves teaching this tension. Following Jesus will lead to suffering and difficulty in this world, but Jesus is worth it. If you lose either part of this tension, you will end up obscuring the Bible’s teaching.
A major part of discipling others is displaying for them the worth and value of Jesus. Since the Gospel is at the heart of the Christian faith, you always return to it. You show how it is Jesus and Jesus alone who gives rest for people’s souls. And this rest was only made possible by His sacrifice.
But at the same time, you don’t ever want to make Jesus sound like a “ticket to heaven” or a means to material gain or someone who demands nothing of His followers. Just as Jesus called His disciples to self denial and dying to themselves, so to you will make it clear to all you are discipling that following Jesus requires leaving behind much of what people hold onto in their flesh.
4. You cannot disciple everyone at the same level
Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.
And he called to him his twelve disciples and gave them authority over unclean spirits, to cast them out, and to heal every disease and every affliction.
And after six days Jesus took with him Peter and James, and John his brother, and led them up a high mountain by themselves.
Matthew 5:1, 10:1, 17:1 ESV, emphasis added
Jesus did not disciple every single person He came in contact with. Even amongst the 12 apostles, He chose three to disciple more intimately. Jesus on several occasions brought only Peter, James, and John with Him to witness key moments in His ministry. You can see these three “levels of discipleship” in the verses above:
Jesus had a large crowd of disciples following Him who He taught formally
The 12 apostles were specifically selected by Jesus to minister alongside Him
Of those 12 apostles, Jesus chose three in particular to devote the most of His time
What is point here? You cannot disciple every single person at the samelevel. If you have been given an opportunity to teach formally at Church, that is a form of discipleship. Whether a pastor or a teacher, you disciple the congregation by expounding the word to them. But you cannot possibly have the entire congregation over your house every week. You will have to select a subset of the congregation to prioritize when doing that kind of discipling.
But even within that subset that you prioritize, you cannot go deep with every single person. You cannot live out all aspects of a discipling relationship with that entire group of believers. Within the subset of the congregation you devote your time to, there might be a handful that you really disciple at a deep level. And that is okay.
Don’t feel like you have to disciple every person you meet at the same level of depth in order to fulfill Jesus’ command.
There is a breadth to discipleship to be sure, but there is also a depth of getting to really know a few Christians at the level where you feel comfortable sharing your struggles against sins, your doubts, your spiritual victories. Jesus discipled many people during His ministry, but not all at the same level. We would do well to take this lesson to heart when we strategically plan who to disciple.
5. Discipling others involves both asking questions and answering questions
Now when Jesus came into the district of Caesarea Philippi, he asked his disciples, “Who do people say that the Son of Man is?” And they said, “Some say John the Baptist, others say Elijah, and others Jeremiah or one of the prophets.” He said to them, “But who do you say that I am?” Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.”
Matthew 16:13-16 ESV, emphasis added
As he sat on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things be, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”
Matthew 24:3 ESV, emphasis added
This discipleship principle from Jesus you see throughout the gospels. Jesus is an expert question-asker. His questions get right to the heart of whatever issue or whatever person He is dealing with. Questions are tools to make the other person think and to confront someone else’s thinking. Matthew 16 gives a great example: Jesus asks a general question to frame the discussion and then asks His disciples directly “what do you think?”
If you want to disciple someone else, you will have to become good at asking questions.
It is always tempting to simply tell someone else what they should think. But the goal of asking questions is to lead the other person to see the conclusion for themselves. It takes a lot of practice but no tool is more useful in discipleship, besides prayer and Scripture, than asking good questions.
Of course, the opposite is also true: you will have to answer questions if you disciple others. This leads to another key principle: discipleship is not one-sided. You don’t get to ask all the questions; sometimes you will have to answer hard questions yourself. In Matthew 24, Jesus is asked about the end of the age and ends up teaching for some time before finally answering the question directly. Since you don’t have all knowledge like Jesus, you will often have to consult Scripture yourself as you are asked tough questions from those you are discipling.
6. Discipleship requires patient perseverance
Simon Peter replied, “You are the Christ, the Son of the living God.” And Jesus answered him, “Blessed are you, Simon Bar-Jonah! For flesh and blood has not revealed this to you, but my Father who is in heaven.
And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him, saying, “Far be it from you, Lord! This shall never happen to you.” But he turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.”
Matthew 16:16-17, 22-23 ESV, emphasis added
I love the juxtaposition of these verses in Matthew 16. In verses 16-17, Jesus blesses Peter because of His confession. Soon after, Jesus rebukes Peter for adopting a satanic mindset with regards to Jesus death and resurrection. Why would Peter rebuke Jesus in the latter verse when he just confessed Jesus was the Son of God in the former verse? These verses illustrate a vital reality to keep in your mind: discipleship involves both encouraging and discouraging moments.
Think of your own life: is spiritual growth for you a never ending ascent into further and further godliness? Or is it more of a “one step forward, two steps back” kind of a process? Discipleship aims at teaching others to “observe all that Christ has commanded” but when you invest your time and life into others you will be hurt and disappointed often. One moment you will feel encouraged by the other person’s spiritual growth only to weep when you hear about a besetting sin this other person fell into.
What will you do when you get the discouraging news? Give up? Resign yourself to the fact that “it must not be working?” If you learn your discipleship principles from Jesus, you will take none of these options. Jesus persevered with Peter, despite Peter’s frequent mistakes, sins, and setbacks. Discipleship takes perseverance and patience. There is no other way. People don’t change overnight and sanctification is a life-long process. Don’t be discouraged when there are setbacks and issues to deal with. Instead, these setbacks are reminders to persevere in discipling since your work is never done “until Christ is formed” in the other person.
7. Discipleship requires involving someone in your life for a period of time
Stepping back for a moment, you realize that Jesus only had a handful of years to disciple the apostles. During that time, Jesus called them, the apostles went everywhere with Jesus, and Jesus taught them. But that time of walking with Jesus ended. It didn’t end Jesus’ death since Christ conquered death. Rather, Jesus sent out His disciples after His resurrection and then ascended into heaven.
The takeaway here is if you want to disciple other people, you are going to have to involve them in your life. Discipleship is not the occasional coffee shop meet up to catch up on life. Discipling also means inviting people to your home, being willing to talk when it is inconvenient, chatting as you do dishes, coordinating your schedules so you can frequently meet, including your family in discipling interactions, and a host of other things.
Discipleship is less about scheduled occasional meet-ups and more about constant continued closeness between believers as they live their lives week by week.
But don’t think every discipling relationship is a life-long commitment. People move away. Life-circumstances change. There is change and loss. A brother who discipled me in high school I stay in contact with, but I see him only occasionally. So he cannot be my primary means of being discipled. The brother who discipled me in college moved away a year or so ago. When he visits, we talk and go deep. But I need to be discipled by someone physically close to me, someone who can be involved in my life and I in his.
Enter each discipling relationship with a “season” mindset. What I mean by this is don’t assume you have an infinite amount of time to build up this person. You don’t. Instead, start the relationship with the mindset of “in this season of life, God wants me to invest in this person.” Then embrace the season, apply these discipleship principles from Jesus, and when that season ends, find the next person God would have you disciple.
Conclusion: Imitate Jesus, the ultimate disciple-maker
There is much more to say about discipleship and how to go about discipling others. In fact, future posts will look at what other Scripture teaches on the subject. But these 7 discipleship principles from Jesus in Matthew are a helpful and necessary starting point when thinking about how best to obey the Great Commission.
Don’t feel discouraged if you don’t live up to Jesus’ example. Remember: Jesus in giving the Great Commission also promised to be with His Church as they endeavored to obey it. Trust in Jesus, the ultimate disciple-maker, and rely on His strength as you go out and teach those around you what it means to live as a Christian.
In a previous post, I laid out the theological foundation for discipleship. Christians are commanded by the resurrected Christ to make disciples of all nations for the glory of God the Father. Jesus not only commands this: He also is with His Church as they perform this task. The question is why is discipleship not always a primary focus among Christians and in Churches? I think there are 3 common barriers to discipleship that keep believers from living in obedience to Christ’s command.
These barriers to discipleship are not legitimate excuses for disobedience. Rather, they are subtle lies you and I can allow ourselves to believe that keep us from prioritizing discipleship. In this post, I want to go through each of these common barriers to discipleship and show how Scripture addresses them. You will never become a discipling Christian if you don’t fight these three lies which pull you away from prioritizing pouring your life out for the spiritual benefit of others.
“I am too busy for discipleship”
Is any excuse more common in our modern world that “I’m too busy?” I hear the excuse almost daily and, if I’m honest, I hear the phrase come out of my mouth more often than I care to count. “I’m too busy” is our society’s magic bullet for excusing ourselves from something. It is another way of saying “I am not going to do that or make time for it.” And this “I’m too busy” excuse is used to dodge the command to make disciples both within and without the Church.
The barrier of “I’m too busy for discipleship” is insufficient for a number of reasons. The first of which I already wrote about in a previous post: the command is given by the authority of Christ.
No Christian should be too busy for obedience.
Part of becoming conformed to the image of Christ is conforming your life to Scripture. That means, among other things, you let the Bible set your life’s priorities. If you feel too busy for discipling others, then the first step is to remind yourself that Jesus sets your schedule, not you.
Secondly, I have been discipled by half a dozen men throughout the course of my life and every single one of them had a busy schedule. Every single one of them could have made the excuse “I am too busy for discipleship.” They had jobs, family responsibilities, were involved at Church, had aging parents, and a host of other things I probably didn’t know about. But the reality is you can have a lot of responsibility and still make time for discipleship. It takes effort, but God will give you grace as you seek to obey His word.
Finally, God has much to say about how His people use their time. Consider the following verses:
Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time.
..you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.
So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.
Colossians 4:5, James 4:14, 17 ESV
Your time is a gift from God. Today is the time God has given you to live in obedience to His will and His commission to make disciples. If you have read this post or you have read Matthew 28, you know that discipling is the right thing to do. Therefore, to say you are too busy for discipling other Christians is sin per James 4:17. What is the solution? Ask the Lord’s forgiveness and start reworking your schedule so that you aren’t “too busy” for pouring your life into others.
“Discipleship doesn’t really work”
Rarely will you hear a Christian say “discipleship doesn’t really work” outright. Instead, it is an implicit assessment you and I can easily make each week. Discipling can be draining, time consuming, and seemingly fruitless. Why? Because you are spending time investing in sinful people. When discipling gets tough, it can become easy to think “well, this is a waste of time! There has got to be more effective and easy ways to serve Christ!”
You and I live in a “quick and easy”, “non-committal” culture. If you don’t like your job, you switch as soon as possible. Marriage problems? Get a divorce and find someone who can make you really happy. Is your food taking too long to cook? Just run out and get fast-food. This is what the culture values and if you are not careful, you can start wishing God’s plan included quick, easy, low commitment, low suffering obedience.
But discipleship is none of those things. Discipling takes endurance, patience, perseverance, love, and a host of other virtues. It involves sacrifice, suffering, and will sanctify you as much as you will help others. God’s plan for the nations involves making disciples and God’s plan will succeed. You must remind yourself that it doesn’t matter if you discipling others is “working” from your perspective or if it is “effective”. All that matters is you are being obedient to God’s plan.
When you are tempted to think God might have gotten it wrong by prioritizing discipleship, remind yourself of Isaiah 55:8-9.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Isaiah 55:8-9 ESV
Discipling takes faith: faith that God’s means by which people are brought into the Church and built up in Christ are the best means. Faith that God’s plans, God’s methods work even if you don’t fully understand them. If you find yourself doubting if discipleship “works” or wondering if it is as important as people make it out to be, the problem is most likely a lack of faith in God to accomplish what He promises in His word.
You must walk by faith not by sight if you commit to disciple others.
“I am not equipped for discipleship”
Maybe you are trying to make time for discipleship and maybe you do truly believe it is integral to God’s plan for your life. I think the most common barrier to discipleship is even simpler than these: you don’t feel equipped to disciple someone else. You don’t see yourself as the Christian who knows the most, who has the most spiritual experience, who is the wisest or as godly as other believers around you. Who are you to try to disciple a younger believer? Won’t you do more harm than good?
As I have repeated in this post, discipling others is a matter of obedience.
When you pour into others for their spiritual good, you are working in accordance with God’s plan for the world.
The question you have to ask yourself is: will God abandon you to obedience alone? Does God call you to do something that He will not equip you to do? The answer is no, of course. God, through the Holy Spirit, provides you with everything you need to disciple others.
His divine power has granted to us all thingsthat pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence
2 Peter 1:3, ESV emphasis added
You might not feel qualified or equipped. But Scripture says God has given you what you need to obey Him. More than that, if you are a Christian you have the Holy Spirit dwelling within you giving you the power to obey. If you want to become a discipling Christian, you are going to have to fight feelings of inadequacy with the truth of Scripture.
Remember also the promise of Jesus in Matthew 28: “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Don’t focus on yourself and the ways you feel ill-equipped to disciple others. Look instead to Jesus and who He is. Is Jesus equipped to disciple others? Does He have all knowledge and wisdom? Then remind yourself that this same Jesus is with you as you seek to pour into others. He will give you what you need.
Conclusion: There are no barriers to discipleship
These 3 common barriers to discipleship can keep you from the joy and satisfaction of living in obedience to Jesus’ plan for your life. Discipling others is not easy, it takes a lot of your time, and requires you to rely on the Lord moment by moment. But that is the point. God calls you to toil for other people’s spiritual good because it also sanctifies you.
When Jesus was teaching His disciples, they didn’t always understand. Reading the Gospels, sometimes it seems like Peter takes one step forward and then three steps back spiritually. But Jesus calls you to follow in His footsteps by patiently and lovingly laboring and teaching other people God’s truth. You aren’t doing it alone: God is empowering you and equipping you every step of the way. None of these barriers to discipleship should keep you from living out God’s will.
Discipleship isn’t complicated, but it can be difficult. If you ask a believer who knows the Bible and seeks to live it out, I am confident they will tell you how important discipleship is. But how, in your local Church week after week, do ordinary Church members prioritize discipleship? And how do you become a “discipling Christian?”
As I said, discipleship can be difficult. Sometimes, it is good to go back to the foundational text for discipleship: Matthew 28. It is here you can see the theological foundations of discipleship and can clarify your thinking about what discipleship is, and what it isn’t. I want to give you some brief observations on Matthew 28 before giving you three foundations of discipleship from the text.
Matthew 28
And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”
Matthew 28:18-20, ESV emphasis added
Let me make a few brief observations before we go deeper into what this text is saying. The first is simply this: everything Jesus says in these few verses is based on Him having all authority. All authority in heaven and on earth. There is no authority He is lacking. So, this last command, to make disciples, is based on Him having all authority.
This isn’t like your close friend suggesting you change jobs or move locations. This is the risen Christ who has more power than every human ruler combined. And this Jesus is telling His disciples what they are to do next. This command based on all authority in the entire universe is vitally important and not given lightly.
This leads to the next observation: Jesus uses all His authority specifically to tell His disciples to go and make disciples. Is that strange to you? If you had “all authority in heaven and earth,” would that be your command? To make disciples? I think most people today would use such authority to say “go therefore and solve all the world’s problems” or “go therefore and bring about justice and world peace” or “go and change the world.” But Jesus doesn’t say any of that.
Jesus does not command His disciples to solve all the worlds problems. But He also doesn’t tell His disciples to merely stay together as a group. Jesus doesn’t say “stay therefore together as one group and enjoy the fellowship and forgiveness I have bought.” Instead, He sends His followers on a mission. In order to see the greatness of the great commission, you need to think through all the things Jesus could have said, but didn’t.
So what does Jesus command? He tells his disciples to make disciples. Then Jesus clarifies specifically what this looks like: baptizing them and teaching them to obey all His words. An article in this months Tabletalk magazine describes this as “bringing them in and building them up.” That’s good. Baptism brings new believers into the Church and after that begins the lifelong process of building them up in Christ-likeness. This latter “building up” is what the Church often defines as “discipleship.”
Theological Foundations of Discipleship
Now that you have seen a couple brief textual observations from Matthew 28, I want to give three big picture theological foundations of discipleship. These three truths are crucial for you to understand if you want to become a discipling Christian. Unsurprisingly, each of these truths are centered around Jesus and God’s glory. If you don’t start with Christ and God’s glory, you will fail to understand discipleship properly and will likely become “burnt out” as you try to disciple others.
Foundation 1: Jesus is raised from dead and has all authority
As I mentioned before, Jesus commands His disciples to go and make disciples based on complete and total authority. During His time of earthly ministry, Jesus was a “man of sorrows” and had “emptied Himself, taking the form of a bondservant.” But this command for the evangelism and discipleship of all nations comes after Christ has defeated death. After He has paid for the sins of His people. Jesus was the suffering servant; now He is the glorious, resurrected King.
Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name thatis above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:9-11, ESV emphasis added
Certainly the fullness of Christ’s glory will be revealed when He returns. But now, you and I live after His resurrection. This means Jesus already has all authority; He is Lord of history and Lord of the nations. But not only does Jesus have authority after the resurrection, He also has a people, His bride: the Church.
The Church’s desire is to obey Christ, their glorious resurrected King. So, when Jesus says “go therefore and make disciples,” it is not a painful duty for the Church to perform. It should be every Christian’s delight to obey the commands of their King. Jesus has proven His love and mercy towards you by dying in your place and defeating death on your behalf.
The question is “what then should I do?” If you are saved and believe in the gospel, Matthew 28 answers that question:
No matter where you go or what you do, your mission is to make disciples of all nations.
You want to become a discipling Christian? Remember is it Jesus who has authority over your life and He commands you to make disciples.
Foundation 2: Jesus is always with His people
What is amazing about Matthew 28 is Jesus doesn’t just say “go make disciples”; He also says He will be with His Church as they go make disciples. And there isn’t an expiration date for this promise: Jesus says He will be with His disciples always, even to the end of the age.
How can Jesus say this when He is about to ascend back to heaven? If you have read through the gospels you know the answer: Jesus is not going to leave His disciples orphans. Once Jesus ascends, the Holy Spirit descends on the Church. If you read through the book of Acts, you see that the growth of the early Church was a Spirit-empowered growth.
On your own, you cannot make disciples of all nations. But Jesus never asks you to do it alone.
Don’t expect discipleship to be easy. As you seek to obey Jesus command, you will face suffering, persecution, road blocks, and every manner of difficulty. But none of these should ever hinder you as you obey Jesus commands. Why? Because unlike world rulers who issue laws from a far distance, Jesus doesn’t just issue commands. He comes alongside His people to help them accomplish His commands.
Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” 6 So we can confidently say,“The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5-6, ESV emphasis added
Notice the logic of Hebrews 13: Christ will never leave or forsake the believer. He is the Christian’s sovereign, all-powerful helper. So, there is nothing to fear; nothing another human can do to you will stop God’s plan. If you are going to commit your life to obeying your King’s command in Matthew 28, you are going to need to rely on Christ and His strength. You will need to daily draw comfort from the truth that even if everyone else in the world forsakes you, Christ never will.
There is no one who can ultimately harm you when Jesus is your ever-present, ever-faithful helper.
You want to become a discipling Christian? Remember that Jesus is the source of your comfort and strength. There is no obstacle to your obedience which is too great.
Foundation 3: Discipleship is part of God’s plan for the world
The final foundation of discipleship I want to point out is discipleship is a vital component to God’s overarching plan for the world. From Genesis to Revelation, God’s goal is to gloryfy Himself among all people. It is through God getting the glory that blessing comes to us who believe. This plan was not just for one people group; from the very beginning God was going to bless the nations and save true worshipers from the nations.
Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go from your country and your kindred and your father’s house to the land that I will show you. And I will make of you a great nation, and I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and him who dishonors you I will curse, and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed.”
Genesis 12:1-13, ESV emphasis added
All the ends of the earth shall remember
and turn to the Lord,
and all the families of the nations
shall worship before you.
Psalm 22:27, ESV emphasis added
It shall come to pass in the latter days
that the mountain of the house of the Lord
shall be established as the highest of the mountains,
and shall be lifted up above the hills;
and all the nations shall flow to it,
and many peoples shall come, and say:
“Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord,
to the house of the God of Jacob,
that he may teach us his ways
and that we may walk in his paths.”
Isaiah 2:2b-3b, ESV emphasis added
If you want even more verses, read them here. It is overwhelming the amount of times God clarifies in Scripture His end goal is His glory among all nations. That is where the whole story of Scripture ends:
After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes andpeoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, f“Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!”
Revelation 7:9-10, ESV emphasis added
If your heart is not excited by these passages, I recommend you study more deeply Biblical Theology. God’s plan is astounding, rich, and almost too good to be true. If you are not gripped by God’s plan for the world, you will not prioritize discipleship nor be effective in it. In order to do something well, you must have a clear goal in mine.
The clear goal of discipleship is God’s glory among the nations.
This makes it a joy to labor to bring people into the Church and then labor to build them up in obedience to Christ. The actual day-to-day tasks of discipleship might be wearisome. But if you keep in your mind that the goal of what you are doing is so God can get glory, worship and honor, you won’t be shaken by the ups and downs along the way. Biblical discipleship aims at God’s glory among all nations. Not moral improvement. Not “practical advice.” Your focus as you go about discipling should be on eternity, when the redeemed Church of God worships Him forever.
You want to become a discipling Christian? Spend your life not on your own plans and agenda, but labor for God’s glory among all people. Only that agenda is worth your greatest effort.
Conclusion
Discipling others may be the most important thing you ever do with your life. 100 years from now, almost no one will remember what you did in your life. Even your own great-great grandchildren likely won’t remember as much as your name. In light of death and the brevity of life, what can you do that really matters? If you are a Christian, you have the answer: go and make disciples of all nations.
Jesus has all authority and commands you to do this. He also presently empowers you to live in obedience to this command. And you know your time is not wasted, because making disciples is part of God’s plan for the universe. If you want to live for God’s glory, if you want to live in obedience to Christ, if you want your life to “count”, you are going to have to prioritize discipleship. A discipling life is a life worth living.
Most Christians I have talked to like the idea of hospitality. Maybe they have read “The Gospel Comes with a House Key.” Perhaps they know a couple at their Church who is always opening up their home. But liking the idea of hospitality and actually inviting people over your house are two very different things. What is the biggest barrier to opening up your home? Oftentimes, it is scheduling. There are only 7 days in a week, so how do you work hospitality into your busy schedule?
Hospitality is having people over your house to talk with them, get to know them, and hopefully to have opportunities to speak into their lives. It is an avenue to discipleship, evangelism, and closeness with others. Hospitality is a simple concept and a much needed practice in our modern, disconnected world. Having strangers over to share a meal is one of the best ways to start meaningful relationships.
In this post, I want to you give three simple steps to start building hospitality into your week.
Step 1: Choose a day of the week you will open up your home
The first step is simple: set apart an evening for having people over your house. The best way to start a new habit is to schedule it. You aren’t going to wake up one day and decide you should have a dozen people over your house. It oftentimes starts with planning on having people over for one dinner.
Look at your typical week. Choose an evening you will keep free each week. That is the evening you will invite people over for dinner. Don’t schedule anything else for that evening. It is a time you are committing to opening up your home.
If you want to work hospitality into your busy schedule, you are going to have to commit to it.
Most good, eternal things require self-sacrifice. Hospitality is no different. You are going to have to sacrifice a night you could do something by yourself or with your family and commit to having people over.
What day do you choose? I know a couple who used to go to my Church who opened up their home every Sunday night. After Sunday night service, people would come over and fellowship around a meal to close out the Lord’s day. They had five kids, yet still managed to prioritize hospitality. I know another couple who has someone from Church over for dinner every Thursday. Sometimes, it is a visitor who just started coming to our Church who they invited over. Other times, it is a longtime member they simply want to get to know better.
My wife and I typically do Thursday night because that works best for our schedule. What is the pattern here?
If you want to open up your home, plan on opening up your home.
Get it on the calendar and make it the same day every week.
Step 2: Make a list of 5-10 people, couples, or families you want to focus on getting to know
Jesus impacted hundreds of people during His earthly ministry. But I find it interesting He focused primarily on 12 disciples, and even within that group emphasized three men to really build into. I think there is an important principle to glean from this:
You cannot disciple every single person in your local Church at the same level.
And that is freeing. Instead of trying to have every single person in the Church over your house at some point, sit down and make a list. Write out people you want to have over regularly. I would argue you should include single people in your Church, couples, and families on that list. And don’t just stop with your Church. Write down unsaved neighbors you want to get to know and have opportunities to share the gospel with.
I would limit the list to 5-10 people. You want to focus your efforts to some degree. Currently, I have 10 people I want to consistently have over. How do you choose who is on this list?
Prioritize neighbors living nearby
Think of people from Church who are younger than you or who you could have a disciplining relationship with
Finally, add any people from Church you want to get to know better in general
Don’t feel constrained by this list. It is just a start so that you can perform step 3. You can of course have as many people over as you want. But you need to know the people you really want to focus on, the people you want to have over one-on-one and not in a larger group.
Step 3: Work through the people on the list every week until one of them agrees to come over for dinner
If you want to work hospitality into your busy schedule, you are going to have to pursue people. Remove the option of not having people over during a week. Now that you have a list, go from top to bottom and contact the people on the list one by one. Invite the first person or family over for dinner on whatever day you have set aside. If they say no, move on to the next person on the list.
Keep working through the list until you have a person agree to come over. The next week, move their name to the bottom of the list and work through it again. What is the point of this? You will have to consistently pursue the people on the list if you want to have any impact on their life. Everyone’s busy. But if you invite a person over for dinner three weeks in a row, that person will likely eventually make time for you.
You won’t make hospitality a habit if you only ask one person a week over and do nothing if they say “No”.
Having a list enables you to keep working until you get a “yes”. And as the months go by, perhaps your list will expand or shorten naturally based on who is available. Remember: these steps are only to start the habit of hospitality. As you grow and it becomes second nature, you might change your approach.
Work until hospitality is part of your busy schedule
You aren’t likely to wake up tomorrow and naturally be super social and open to having people in your home. You have to train yourself in godliness. A busy schedule should not stop you from practicing hospitality. It should drive you to work even harder to make sure you have a day set aside to open up your home and a group of people you consistently invite over.
Is hospitality hard work? Yes. But opening up your home gives you opportunities to speak into people’s lives in a way you never could in another context. As guests sit down for dinner, their guard goes down and you start to get to know each one another. Cleaning the dishes after dinner becomes an avenue to “make disciples” and an after-dinner walk gives a context for people to vocalize their doubts and struggles.
Work hospitality into your busy schedule. These three steps will get you started. But before you try any of these steps, pray God would open your heart so you open up your home joyfully to others.
I think everyone finds Church interactions difficult from time to time. Sometimes, the problem is with you: perhaps you came to Church with a wrong set of expectations. Perhaps you weren’t excited to come to Church or the week wore you down. But I think sometimes the biggest difficulty people have in Church interactions is simply not knowing how to start a meaningful, spiritually focused conversation.
Whether after a Sunday service, during a small group, or even just meeting one-on-one with another Christian, there is always a need for helpful conversation starters. Conversations starters that create an environment of trust and care which then leads to mutually encouraging spiritual conversation.
Today, I want to give you 10 conversation starters you can use in Church interactions. They are in no particular order, and the list is very much non-exhaustive. But they might start you thinking about how to best initiate a conversation with another believer.
1. What is going well in your life this past week?
You could replace “going well” with any number of related phrases. The goal with this question is to start talking about what actually has been going on in another person’s life. It is very non-threatening: the person you are talking with can think of the good events of their past week and select the one’s they want to discuss. From there, it is easy to continue the conversation and move it into a more explicitly spiritual direction.
2. What things have been tough this past week?
This question is a little more direct and invasive. I wouldn’t necessarily lead with this one unless you know the person pretty well. But maybe after you talk about the good things that went on in someone’s week, they will be more inclined to share what was difficult in their week. Use wisdom with this question. Church interactions need to be based in love and care for the other, so don’t push this question if the other person is not ready to open up in this way.
3. What has God taught you from His word this week?
For conversations amongst believers, I can’t think of any better question. Don’t just focus on life circumstances and talk about your own life. Part of the encouragement of talking with fellow Christians is talking about the Lord. What He has done. What He is teaching you from the word. I personally am incredibly encouraged when I hear what God is teaching other believers in the word. Use this question often.
4. How has God been growing you spiritually this past week?
This question is about how the Lord is orchestrating someone’s life to conform them to Christ. Maybe the person you are talking with has had some victory over a besetting sin. Maybe he or she had an opportunity to evangelize. This question isn’t about just hearing about the other person’s week. It goes a step further and asks how God has worked in another person’s week. I would encourage you to ask this question with increasing frequency, especially if you want better conversations with believers at Church.
Spiritually-focused questions tend to spark spiritually-focused conversations.
5. How was work for you last week?
This question won’t necessarily lead to some deep spiritual discussion right away. But it is an easy way to get a conversation going. Most people can remember one or two major points from their work week. And the reality is, how someone works and lives out their faith at work is an important form of spiritual discussion. How someone practically exercises their faith in Jesus day to day at work is often a good indication of where someone is spiritually.
6. How have things been with your family this week?
Work is one context where people live out their faith. Family is an equally important context to talk about. This question is pretty basic, but you will never learn how someone’s marriage is going or the struggles someone might have raising their kids without asking. The goal of Church interactions is not simply to “know all the details” of someone’s life. It is showing care and love by making yourself available. And family life is one of the most important contexts where another believer might need prayer, wise advice, or encouragement.
The goal of asking another person questions is not to force an answer. It is to demonstrate a care, love, and interest in that person.
7. How can I pray for you specifically this coming week?
This is a good “closing question” but, depending on the context, you might ask it earlier in the conversation. I once read a quote that essentially said “specific questions get specific answers.” So limit your question if you want specific prayer requests. Ask about the coming week so the other brother or sister has to think about what they actually need prayer for in the coming days. And then follow up when you do pray for them. I think a lot of “connection” and “getting to know” fellow Church members comes from praying for one another. By asking, you are already setting the stage for a follow up conversation where you ask “I was praying for ______ like you asked me. How did the Lord respond to the request this past week?”
8. What stood out from the sermon for you?
Church interactions that occurs after a Sunday sermon should often start with this question. Don’t be a Christian who hears a sermon, nods their head, and then moves on to lunch plans. The best way to guard against this is to talk about the sermon with other believers as soon as possible. Another good way might be to use this free sermon meditation workbook and work through it with another Christian. Talking about the sermon will focus your conversation on Christ and His word.
9. What has excited you this past week?
I am always interested in what excites other people. What are they passionate about? What is the topic which they could discuss for hours and not tire? This question gets at that. In Church interactions, you want to get to know the other person as a person. If a lot of friendships start because of shared interests, then you must figure out what interests other people in order to figure out if you have similar interests. Asking what excited a person in the past week will give a picture of their interests. Maybe it is a book they read. Perhaps their garden started blooming. Whatever it is, get to know the people you worship with each week and what “fires them up.”
10. What has caused you to praise God this past week?
Finally, what events or moments occurred in someone’s week that resulted in praise of the Lord? As Christians, we should rejoice when our brothers and sisters rejoice. God is worthy of all praise, so if He proved His faithfulness to a brother or sister, that is reason for you to thank Him for that faithfulness. Let other people’s life events be avenues for you to worship God. As you get to know Christians, notice and remember what God is doing in their lives. That same God, the living God, is active in your life.
I hope these 10 questions will help you in future Church interactions. Maybe keep a couple of your favorites in mind for your next small group. Regardless, seek to know and love those around you. In a lonely culture, simply initiating and continuing a conversations is often enough to make another person feel loved and cared for.
What should you do if you disagree with another Christian? Read this post to learn how to disagree with others in a profitable way. Subscribe and share below, and don’t forget to follow The Average Churchman on Instagram.
I have been thinking about Christian manhood a lot lately. Maybe it is because Father’s Day just passed. Maybe it is because my firstborn son’s due date is next month. But perhaps it is simply because I have found it incredibly difficult to get a straightforward definition of Christian manhood in American culture.
From society and many Christian circles, what I hear most is what manhood is not. Every definition is full of what men don’t do rather than giving a positive definition. More helpful Christian thinkers give positive statements, like men are called to lead, provide, and protect. Other Christians rightly emphasize key character traits men should develop, like self-control. Some call you to look to Jesus and His roles as prophet, priest, and king for insight.
The goal of this post is not to critique any of these models or even to define what Christian manhood is. The point I want to emphasize is not what Christian manhood is, but where Christians should learn what manhood is.
Both Proverbs and the New Testament Epistles are clear: men should learn what manhood is from other godly men around them.
Books on Christian manhood are useful, but limited
Books often cannot advise you in specific situations
I have read my fair share of articles and books on Christian manhood. Especially when I was dating my wife, I was incredibly curious about what it meant to “be a man” in the relationship. The answers I got were helpful and got me thinking. But I realized deep down I wanted a book that prescribed what Christian men do in every situation. But that is the limitation of good books: they can give you wisdom and cause you to think, but they are static teachers who cannot advise you in specific situations. A lot of my struggles with “what Christian manhood is” arises from living my normal life.
In daily life, I don’t often ask “what is Christian manhood?” Instead, I ask “how does a Christian man respond to this specific situation?”
As helpful as books are for understanding the Bible’s teaching on what Christian manhood is, to actually live as a Christian man requires something more than reading books. You need practical wisdom, practical advice, and specific answers to complicated life-situations. What you need is wisdom. And thankfully, the Bible tells you where you can get that wisdom.
God provides wisdom through Christian men
Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13, ESV emphasis added
I have always found this verse interesting. Paul seems to imply a few things in saying “act like men”:
There is an objective thing called “manhood”
You can express your manhood by how your act
You can either act like a man in response to a situation, or you can respond by acting like something other than a man
The question is: where do you learn how to act like a man if books are insufficient? Where do you get the wisdom you need to respond to life-situations as a Christian man would? The answer I think is given both in Proverbs and the New Testament: other Christian men are the best source for Christian manhood. Now, I will caveat all this with a verse from Psalm 119.
How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.
Psalm 119:9, ESV
Compare all the advice you get to God’s word. Even godly, Christian men who have lived many years might occasionally give you advice or thoughts which do not line up with Scripture. So take everything back to the text. That said, God seems to think other Christian men are often the source of wisdom and instruction for other men:
“My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.” Proverbs 3:1
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” Proverbs 11:14
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
“One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” Psalm 145:4
“Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
“And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.” 2 Timothy 2:2
“Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” Hebrews 13:7
“Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders.” 1 Peter 5:5
From these verses, there are a couple things to see:
Christian manhood is taught by Christian fathers to their sons
Christian manhood is taught by Christian men from older generations
Christian manhood is taught by a multitude of men, each sharpening each other
Christian manhood is taught by observing and imitating godly men around you
Christian manhood is taught within the Church by elders who both teach and model Christian manhood
From this, there seems to be two main ways you learn Christian manhood from other Christians: they directly teach and instruct you, and you watch their life and imitate them. Practically, how do you do this?
Ask godly men around you direct questions
If you want instruction from the godly men around you, you are going to have to start asking questions. I don’t mean high level “what is your theology of manhood” questions. Ask direct, specific questions on how Christian men should live and respond to life situations.
I guarantee there are several men in your life worth learning from. They are just too busy being Christian men that they don’t have time to write books about Christian manhood. You have to extract their hard-won wisdom by sitting down and talking. Asking. Showing an interest. The man with five kids, a job, and who runs the sound room at Church probably has more profound thoughts on Christian manhood than you think. But to get them, you need to approach him, set aside some time, and come with questions.
What are some questions you can ask? Here is a non-exhaustive list of topics off the top of my head.
Ask about Church
How do you balance family life with Church involvement?
What does “leadership in the Church” mean for you?
Do you serve the Church as an individual or involve your family in the ministries you are in?
What are your thoughts on giving generously to the Church while still providing for your family?
How do you choose what ministries and meetings during the week you attend?
How do you make sure you don’t take on too much responsibility at Church?
Ask about family
What does “leading your family” mean to you?
How do you disciple your wife and children?
How do you manage and steward your money well?
What are your thoughts on children and technology?
When do you make time for the Lord individually and as a family?
How do you encourage and lead your wife spiritually?
Describe how you schedule your family’s week.
What do you help out with around the house?
Ask about vocation
How do you interact with non-believers at work?
What are ways you can make sure you have proper motivations for working?
How do you keep your heart free from the love of money at work?
What things do you do to stay involved with family life when you are away working 8+ hours a day?
How do you enjoy your work without becoming a “workaholic”?
These questions are just a taste of potential conversation starters. The point here is to first think about the areas of your life where you don’t know how to “act like a man.” Then go and ask other godly men how they answer that question. Most Christian men are happy to talk about their own victories, struggles, and defeats with manhood. Start the conversation.
It is hard for one man to sharpen another if neither man initiates a conversation with the other.
Observe godly men around you and reflect on what they do (and why)
Asking questions is the way to get direct answers on Christian manhood. But equally important are indirect answers: watch the men around you and see what you can learn. Now, in order to do this well, you cannot simply watch godly men at Sunday service. You must watch godly men in their home, find godly men who work where you work (or in a similar field), and put yourself in a variety of contexts with other Christian men.
To learn how other men worship, work, and lead their family, you need to actually observe them in each of these contexts. Watching them on Sunday is great, but how will you see how they respond when their kids misbehaves? When will you observe how they talk with unsaved co-workers? You will need to put yourself in the path of other men if you want to observe their life.
It goes both ways: you need, as a man, open your life up to other men to observe. If you only ever pop up on a Sunday and never actually involve yourself with other men from your Church during the week, you probably aren’t going to learn much from other Christian men. And they won’t have the chance to observe your life and learn from you.
As you spend time with other Christian men and their families, you need to do a couple things:
Open your eyes. Don’t just “sit there”: observe what is going on around you. You can’t learn from what you don’t notice.
Reflect on what you see. Ask “why” to try to think through why a Christian man is responding in a certain way.
Be gracious and slow to judge. Try to understand why Christian man is acting a certain way but don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst.
At some point, maybe ask that Christian man why he responded in a certain way. This will help you check your own observations and give you an idea of the other man’s thought process.
The goal with all this is to observe what “acting like a man” looks like in the field. Not just in your head. What does it actually look like. How do Christian men actually behave in situations.
People live their theology. So observe how Christian brothers lead, live, and work. Then you will learn what they believe about Christian manhood.
A final point: be discerning. The goal is to imitate Christian brothers as they imitate Christ. No man is a perfect imitator of Christ. But through observing other men, you will learn how to wisely respond to situations in a Christlike, Christ-honoring way.
Conclusion
The best and most memorable manhood advice I ever received did not come from a book. It wasn’t the result of some extensive study. It was a conversation I had with my dad a week before my wedding. I asked him what it meant to be a Christian man and husband. He gave me a sentence I will never forget:
Being a husband means getting done what needs to be done.
My Dad, Travis Nesmith
It isn’t doing the right thing for a reward or recognition. It is taking responsibility. Figuring out what needs to be done and then acting. Of all the advice I have read on Christian manhood, it is this sentence from my Dad which I keep returning to the most.
I think that is how God meant it to be. Christian manhood is learned in the trenches, not in some ivory tower. You learn it from those who are acting like men around you. Fathers. Friends. Elders. Church members. Older men. Younger men.
Our culture may be confused about manhood and what it means. But look around at the men God has brought in your life. Learn from them and imitate them as they imitate Christ.
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Interacting with other people can be difficult. This is true whether at work, at home, or at Church. In fact, sometimes Church interactions can seem the most difficult. Even for the most extroverted extroverts, holding a deep, honest conversation after a Sunday Sermon can prove hard or impossible. However, for a Christian, interacting with fellow Church members isn’t optional:
…addressing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody to the Lord with your heart
Ephesians 5:19 ESV, emphasis added
If part of our commitment as Church members is interacting with each other and holding meaningful conversations, there is always a need to improve. Improve in our motivation for talking with others and improving our expectations for those conversations. In this post, I want to propose 3 expectations that I have found helpful to hold in my head when interacting with others, particularly fellow Church members.
Expectation 1: Most everyone is at least a little lonely
Everyone craves connection to some extent
“Loneliness” is not just reserved for the husband who lost his wife, the couple who miscarried, or the single who can’t seem to find the right person to marry. Certainly clear, objective, intense loneliness exists everywhere, including the Church. However, I think beneath the calm and collected demeanor most people (including myself) want to project, there is a bit of loneliness in each of us.
This “loneliness” I might also call “the unmet desire for deep, meaningful friendship with others and to be truly known.” It is the man who loves his family and serves the Church, but just wants a good male friend to spend time with every so often. Or it could be the mother with five kids who is worried because she doesn’t feel connected to any of the other young families at Church. Perhaps it is an elder or deacon who feels they must always “have all the answers” and therefore can’t truly open up with any of their congregants.
This “loneliness” is subtle. Beneath the surface. I know of very few people who would share this type of loneliness as a prayer request or openly in a group. But it exists behind the “how was your week?” “It was good” type interactions that can often characterize post-sermon conversations. I could add to this that publication after publication in news and secular studies have argued the way humans are using technology is making us feel more isolated. It seems safe, therefore, to expect subtle loneliness to exist in the lives of those around you.
It matters if you make an effort or not
What is the takeaway? Expect when you look up after the last Sunday hymn has ended that the people around you need and want meaningful friendship and connection. Hold in you mind that, despite their best efforts, no one in the pew around you has attained perfection yet. This perspective does 3 things:
It makes you more willing to go up and talk with someone. If someone is lonely around you, your instinct as a Christian should be to help bear that burden. This applies to subtle loneliness as much as it does the more drastic type of loneliness. Don’t ask yourself “should I go talk to this person?” Ask instead “I wonder what this person is going through this past week? Let me go ask.”
It encourages you to keep the conversation going. Most people aren’t going to wear a “I am lonely” shirt. But if you expect they have a subtle, underlying loneliness, you are more likely to keep pursuing interactions and conversations with them, even when it is difficult.
You see your own need for interacting with others. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you are never lonely to some degree. Christians were made to live in dynamic fellowship with other Christians. You going to talk with a Church member after service will likely benefit you as much as it will the other person.
Like all of these expectations, they might not always be true in every specific conversation. Some people really might have a week where they are not lonely at all. But as a general principle, assume those around you need connection. The only way to help is to start trying to connect.
Expectation 2: Every human being is inherently complex
Good and bad, easy and difficult
No one’s week is a one-dimensional, simple, straightforward movement from one joy to the next. We all live in a fallen world with tensions between easy and hard, good and bad. Even if you have had a generally good week, there were almost certainly difficult experiences you went through. And the inverse also applies: if you had a miserable week, there was almost certainly some good that came out of it.
What is the point? No one’s week was simply “good”. When interacting with others at Church, assume whoever you are talking with is not a simple person living a simple life. There is depth and complexity to every single person who is made in the image of God. Even the person you think is the most “dull” or “uninteresting” at your Church has lived through a whole world of complex experiences this past week.
Get to know other people’s complexities
In both personality and experience, every person you interact with is complex and dynamic. A few implications follow:
Do not take the “my week was good” answer at face value. There is more that the other person is not sharing, guaranteed. To get past the “off the shelf” answers, you need to recognize when someone is oversimplifying their experience. If you get a “my week was good,” follow it up immediately with “what things did the Lord teach you this week?” or “was there anything that was difficult for you during this good week?”
It might take time, but truly knowing someone is always worth it. Every single interaction with a believer is a conversation with someone who is created in the image of God, redeemed by the blood of Jesus Christ, and is currently in a relationship with the living God. If you let that thought really sink in, there is no reason to ever write another Christian off or categorize them as “boring”. It might take time, but getting to know a fellow Christian is always worth it.
Set an example of wise openness in your conversations. By “wise” I mean you don’t dump every single experience of your past week on the other person right off the bat. Just because you had a complex week does not mean every single detail must be shared immediately. But it does mean you set the example of sharing the good with the bad, the easy with the difficult.
Expect that beneath every “my week was good” is a human being who lived a whole week with complex emotions, reactions, and experiences. This helps you see the dignity of those around you and to not oversimplify other people to the point that you think “I understand them. They can’t have done anything interesting.”
Expectation 3: You will have to take the initiative
Start the conversation. Continue the conversation.
So you expect people around you to be at least a little lonely and to be complex, interesting human beings. What now? Understanding both of the previous expectations will get you nowhere without this last one. You, not the other person, will have to start the conversation and keep it going. Who doesn’t love it when someone comes up and starts talking with them? Most everyone appreciates someone who has good social skills, who asks good questions, and can hold a conversation.
Stop assuming that person has to be someone else. Take the responsibility to initiate and continue conversations with people around you. Create the environment where that other person can open up and knows you actually care about them as a person. If you come into Church expecting a line out the door of people who want to talk to you, you have the opposite perspective you need to have.
Come into Church on a Sunday thinking “how many people can I have meaningful, encouraging conversations with this morning?”
Pursue the people around you. A great way to serve other believers practically is to simply take the responsibility to talk with them. Does it get any more practical than this? Beneath every face in your service is someone who wants to be known. Bless such a person by actually trying to get to know them. Sure there might be some awkwardness in initiating a conversation with someone you hardly know. But remember expectation 2: each person is made in God’s image and is worth you trying to initiate a conversation with them.
Small talk to deep talk
I read part of a book last year called “The Fine Art of Small Talk” by Debra Fine. The title interested me because “small talk” often gets a bad rap, especially in Christian circles. “I just want to go deep” or “I don’t want to talk about the weather” are phrases that come to mind. And rightfully so: we were made for deeper connection than small talk can bring.
However, one of the impactful ideas in the book that I appreciate is sometimes you have to start with small talk to get to deep talk. I personally have only a handful of really close friends with which I can immediately go deep. You might have one yourself: the type of person 30 seconds after you call them on the phone you are sharing what the Lord is doing or sins you are fighting or Bible passages that have become precious to you.
That is the exception rather than the rule. If you expect every single conversation you have to immediately and without delay to go to your deepest spiritual reflections, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. A more realistic goal is to start with more “mundane” things and then gradually ask questions to guide the conversation to the deeper things. If you are patient and take the initiative to keep a conversation going, there is no reason why it shouldn’t eventually get to deeper discussion.
But it takes time. And patience. Practice too. I recommend you pick up a copy of “The Fine Art of Small Talk” or a similar book just to start thinking about how to better initiate conversations and engage others. As I said before, don’t expect other people to take that responsibility for you. Become the type of Christian who lovingly pursues connection with those around them. But also become a Christian who is patient in that pursuit and is not afraid to talk about the weather because they know even the weather can become an avenue to talk about the Lord and His goodness.
Interacting with others is tough…but worth it
Interacting with others is a topic which cannot be exhausted in one post. But I think the three expectations that most everyone is lonely, everyone is complex, and you have to take the initiative to get to know them can help you become more effective in your conversations. Interacting with those around you is a command of Scripture, yes, but also a precious privilege for a Christian. You never know: interacting with a person around you might start a friendship, provide an encouragement, or bless your own soul.
It isn’t easy. But it is always worth it. Pray that the Lord would increase your own love so that you truly can “love your neighbor as yourself.” Then show that love in your conversations with others.
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