3 Unexpected Lessons from My COVID Wedding
May 23, 2020. That was the date I got married. Now and for all my life, my wife and I will be lumped into the category of “COVID wedding.” There is much I could write about how COVID changed our plans and affected our wedding. But as I approach my 1 year wedding anniversary, there are several unexpected lessons God taught my wife and me through it all.
In this post, I want to give you some of my personal thoughts on how God used my COVID wedding to sanctify me and my wife. I think one of the most helpful disciplines Christians can have is reflecting back on past circumstances. When you and I reflect, even in the most inconvenient of circumstances we can see God’s abundant faithfulness.
With that said, here are three very personal lessons I learned from having a wedding during COVID.
Lesson #1: God gets to choose how I glorify Him
What is my ultimate purpose in all I do?
Tough circumstances cause you to question your life. My wife and I (mainly my wife) had spent months planning our wedding. My wife got almost everything lined up months ahead of time. Venues where chosen. Deposits were made. My wife even designed the wedding invitations and save the dates.
Then it all changed.
Within a few weeks, my wife and I saw almost every single one of our plans come tumbling down. There were days and days of tears and fragile hopes. But within the sudden change, there was one question my wife and I kept coming back to:
What is our goal of this wedding? Is our ultimate goal God getting glorified or us getting the plans we made?
A lot of times, you go through life just doing things. Making plans. Climbing up the ladder at work. Attending Church as a habit. The question of why you do what you do sometimes goes unanswered in the day to day mundane.
Sometimes it takes difficult circumstances to cause you to stop and ask “Why am I doing this? Am I living for God’s glory, or not?”
That is what having a COVID wedding caused my wife and I to ask. In the middle of what could have been a very easy and self-focused season of life, God brought about circumstances which forced us to reflect.
Theology can become scary when it comes to life
I love talking about God’s sovereignty. I love talking about how the goal of all of life is to bring God glory. It is easy to talk about these truths to others and sing them on a Sunday morning service.
Then, in March 2020, these truths came to life. I had casually affirmed God’s sovereignty, but it is easy to affirm such a doctrine when you feel you have control over your life. COVID changed all that. All of a sudden, I woke up and my life was not in my control.
And wake up I did. A wedding is something, above all else, you feel like you “deserve” control over. After all, you have waited your whole life for this day! There is never going to be a day like it again! Doesn’t God owe it to you to give you the freedom you need to make it how you want it?
God is either always sovereign all the time or He isn’t. Affirming this truth is completely different than seeing it in your life.
Seeing God actually exercise His free will over my life was scary. I can’t lie and say that it wasn’t. But as time went on, my wife and I came to realize we were shouldn’t be surprised. We were just seeing the truths we already knew being played out in our lives.
Even though it can be scary when God interferes with your life, even that is a grace. God is reminding you who is King of the world. Of your life. And it isn’t you or me.
You cannot control when God interferes with your life or your plans. You can only choose if you will respond in worship, or with bitterness. God is still King regardless.
Two verses that anchored my heart
Thankfully, in the struggle and surprise of planning a wedding during COVID, God did not leave my wife and I without encouragement. God doesn’t just bring things into our life and not also give us the comfort we need. There were two verses in particular that anchored my heart during all the change and disorientation.
The first passage was the final few verses in Habakkuk. Talk about a Bible passage coming to life! I had read Habakkuk several times before, but all of a sudden the verses seemed alive and leapt out of the page.
Though the fig tree does not bud and there is no fruit on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the field produces no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will triumph in Yahweh; I will rejoice in the God of my salvation! Yahweh my Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like those of a deer and enables me to walk on mountain heights!
Habakkuk 3:17-19, HCSB emphasis added
I don’t know about you, but when COVID hit I felt like the fig tree wasn’t budding. I felt like there were no sheep in the pen. It felt like circumstances were falling apart left and right. In short, I felt a lot like Habakkuk in this passage.
But look at the answer Habakkuk comes to: he will triumph in the Lord. Even in the midst of disastrous circumstances. When the worst happens, God is still the source of our salvation. And not only our salvation; the Lord is our strength as well. We don’t get through suffering on our own; God empowers us to walk through it.
These verses comforted me during COVID’s initial quarantine. But as the wedding approached, the question my wife and I had to answer was “should we move our wedding? Should we stick to the same day? What does God want from us?” And it was the final section of the gospel of John which helped us.
(Jesus) said this to signify by what kind of death (Peter) would glorify God. After saying this, He told him, “follow me”…
When Peter saw (John), he said to Jesus, “Lord-what about him?”
“If I want him to remain until I come,” Jesus answered, “what is that to you? As for you, follow Me.”
John 21:19, 21-22
I can’t describe to you the encouragement the Lord gave my wife and I through these verses. In this passage, Jesus tells Peter “by what kind of death he would glorify God.” Peter responds to this by asking about John. Will John die in the same way? What is God’s plan for John’s life?
Jesus response is simply “Don’t worry about John. Follow me.” God gets to choose how Peter glorifies Him. God gets to choose how John glorifies Him. The only responsibility both Peter and John is following Jesus.
As my wife and I looked at our wedding plans, we were constantly tempted to compare our wedding to “normal weddings.” Would we get to have the same amount of guests? Could we have a reception? What about all the joy and attention guests give the bride and groom?
God’s answer to us in this passage: Don’t worry about other people’s weddings or how they happen. Worry about how the Lord wants you to glorify Him in your wedding.
It was a perspective-shifting verse. It isn’t about whether our wedding is “normal” or whether we get the wedding other people get. All that matters is glorifying God with the circumstances He has given us.
God gives different people different circumstances, gifts, & opportunities. That shouldn’t be your main focus. Focus on stewarding what God has given you
God gets to choose how you glorify Him. Period. Once my wife and I realized a COVID wedding was God’s choice for us, we were able to accept his will and move on from there. We stopped asking “why us God?” and starting asking “what do you want us to do?”
Lesson #2: There are blessings when you accept God’s will
There are opportunities even in the worst circumstances
Once my wife and I accepted that a COVID wedding was God’s will for us, we started seeing opportunities God gave us within our circumstances. The first opportunity was getting to live-stream our wedding. We had friends around the world serving the Lord who could not have made it to an in-person wedding. When COVID hit, my Church like so many others was forced to start live-streaming its services.
Live-streaming our wedding allowed people who either could not have made it to our wedding or who we could not have invited because of limited Church space to watch and enjoy our wedding. In an ironic way, although we could only have immediate family physically at our ceremony, more people saw our wedding because of COVID. People which included my unsaved family from across the country. Unsaved friends who might not have been able to attend had time to watch our wedding.
A God-centered life sees purpose and intentionality in everything. Even situations which you would not have wanted for yourself.
Not only were more people able to “attend”our wedding, our COVID wedding blessed my wife and I by letting us focus more on each other and the covenant we were making. My wife told me afterwards that just having the most important people physically there, our family, allowed her to be more present in the moment. We weren’t thinking about people watching us. We were simply focused on the sweet moments of our vows, our first kiss, and the joy of family celebrating with us.
Since we didn’t have a reception, my wife and I were able to end the day less tired. That led to more time with each other in our first day of marriage. And while I did miss getting to celebrate with all the important people in my life, I would not trade those precious first hours of marriage for anything. God gave us a wedding that looked very different from “normal” weddings. But the uniqueness made it special for my wife and I in a specific way.
Unexpected blessings the Lord gave me
But probably the biggest blessing God gave my wife and I through our COVID wedding came after the wedding. Because of the pandemic, the first four months of marriage I was working at home and my wife was looking for a job. What that meant was our first summer together was spent spending every single day together. No heading off to work in the morning. No busy schedule to distract us.
Before I was married, I had heard people talk about Deuteronomy 24:5.
When a man is newly married, he shall not go out with the army or be liable for any other public duty. He shall be free at home one year to be happy with his wife whom he has taken.
Deuteronomy 24:5 ESV
That always sounded amazing to me. Getting a whole year to focus on being with your new wife. But I never imagined I would get anything close to that. After all, modern life doesn’t let you stop your job for a year. You might get a week off for the honeymoon but then it is back to work and “life as usual.”
God gave my wife and I a unique gift: we got to live out Deuteronomy 24:5 more than any other couple I know. A whole summer was granted to us to do nothing but enjoy the happiness of marriage. And even when I went back to work, it was only every other day in person. The Lord gave my wife and I the sweetest gift we could ask for: time together.
Now tell me: if you had a choice, would you rather have the exact wedding you wanted, or four perfect months married after the wedding? Its an impossible question to answer in a way, but for my wife and I, we were happy to enjoy the blessing of a care-free summer newly married. I would not have traded that for a normal wedding. Never.
All this goes to show God still gives exceedingly and abundantly above what we ask or think. Even during COVID. Even in the midst of loss or change.
In acceptance lieth peace.
Amy Carmichael
Lesson #3: Keep the main thing the main thing
Tough circumstances cause you to ask tough questions
When there are difficulties in your life, you tend to ask better questions. Tough circumstances cause you to slow down and think. Cause you to take stock of what is actually important, what actually is in your heart. For my wife and I, COVID caused us to ask a ton of difficult questions about our wedding plans.
Should we move our wedding? Should we proceed assuming COVID restrictions will get relaxed? Maybe we could reschedule the reception. Change the venue. Wait until the fall. Making decisions in ambiguous situations with limited information is incredibly difficult.
But these questions allowed us to ask a more important one: what do we ultimately want? A wedding or a marriage?
Plenty of people have weddings. They are beautiful affairs full of joy and dancing and fellowship with others. But what is that all for? Is all that necessary or required? What makes a “good wedding” or a “Christian wedding” or a “God-glorifying wedding?”
One of the best questions we had to ask ourselves was “Is what God is giving us enough? What is more important: the wedding or the marriage?”
These weren’t easy questions to answer. There were many tears and prayers involved. But ultimately, my wife and I realized that waiting for COVID restrictions to relax wasn’t the path forward. It was difficult giving up our “dream wedding.” But it became less difficult when we asked ourselves what we really were valuing most.
And marriage to us was the important thing. More important than getting what we wanted for the wedding itself.
The object of your happiness determines if that happiness will last
I love weddings. Going to them growing up always made me think of the day I would get married. Weddings always seemed to be the height of beauty and joy on earth. The toughest part of letting go of my “dream wedding” was realizing I would not get what I always pictured my wedding would be. All the pictures I painted in my head would not become reality.
But does that mean I missed out having a COVID wedding? Did I somehow get a “lesser experience”? Was my ceremony a sort of second-class, unfortunate situation to be pitied? Do I need to have a “make-up” ceremony later to make sure I get what I always wanted?
John Piper has a helpful quote I think when we have to give up our dreams for our lives.
Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you.
John Piper, Desiring God
The question I had to ask myself was simply “what is the foundation of my happiness?” It is easy to say “God is my happiness” when everything else in your life is going well. Tough circumstances reveal your idols. And for me, oftentimes my own comfort is my idol.
But the amazing reality is when your happiness is based in God and in Christ, you can truly have happiness in any circumstance. You can have contentment in all things, because Jesus is strengthening you. And my wife and I were able to experience that happiness during our COVID wedding. It was not what we had planned for ourselves. But it was God’s plan for us. And the reality was God had not changed, He was still always good, and always in control.
Reflecting back on my wedding, I would not change a single thing. God’s will was and is always perfect. The lessons my wife and I learned from getting married during COVID have served our marriage well already. God calls us all to different circumstances; each person gets distinct blessings and trials. But oftentimes, the lessons are the same. One of the best things you can do is reflect back on your own circumstances and see what lessons God is teaching you.
If you want to read my thoughts on finding happiness in the right places, check out my series “Happy?” Follow The Average Churchman on Instagram so you don’t miss any future posts.