The Only Christian Dating and Marriage Books You’ll Need
Navigating romantic relationships is difficult for anyone. Christian couples are no exception. If you were to go to the “Christian section” of a book store, you would likely find many Christian dating and marriage books. Many are helpful. Some are not. And discerning which books are worth your time can become a difficult task.
I often think about Ecclesiastes 12:2 when I see how many Christian dating and marriage books are written.
Of making many books there is no end, and much study is a weariness of the flesh.
Ecclesiastes 12:2b, ESV
My wife and I were blessed to have several solid Christian dating and marriage books recommended to us throughout our relationship. What makes these books so good is how Biblically sound and practically helpful they are. My recommendation is to not wear yourself out by studying a whole library full of Christian dating and marriage books.
These four books will get you into Scripture, will get you thinking about your relationship, and will get you talking with your partner about how and why you do what you do.
Christian Dating Books
She’s Got the Wrong Guy by Deepak Reju
This book is not just for girls. I think every Christian should read this book before dating and most certainly after they have started to seriously get to know someone. It is rare you read a book so thoroughly biblical while also being so completely practical. I asked my now wife to read this book when we first started dating so she could evaluate me as a man. And I read it before I started dating my now wife to make sure I was not falling into sins or patterns of behavior that were contrary to Scripture.
The heart of the book contains character sketches of the types of guys Christian girls should not date. A few of the “wrong guys” include
- The Control Freak
- The New Convert
- The Long Ranger
- The Passive Man
- The Unteachable Guy
And so on. The book is filled to the brim with Biblical wisdom, particularly in the area of relationships we often need the most guidance: discernment.
Biblically-informed discernment is vital early in a relationship. Unfortunately, it is often difficult to get the clarity you need early on.
“She’s Got the Wrong Guy” will help you see clearly whether you should continue dating a guy (if you are a woman) or is you are the type of guy a girl should date (if you are a man). The book also includes a super practical ending section on how to break up in a God-honoring way and includes a thorough study of what the Bible has to say about waiting.
I could not recommend this book enough. Get it, read it, discuss it, then pass it off to other couples. It is biblical, clarifying, and encouraging all at the same time.
Passion & Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
My wife loves Elisabeth Elliot. So when we had just started dating, she wanted me to read “Passion & Purity”. In return, I asked her to read “She’s Got the Wrong Guy.” When I started “Passion & Purity”, I was a little suspicious. I never agreed with Joshua Harris or the dogmatic subset of the “courtship culture.” I was worried Elisabeth Elliot would fall into one of those two camps.
But I was wrong. The book is Elliot telling her love story all for the purpose of offering an encouragement to Christian couples: “It is possible to love passionately and to stay out of bed.” That is the first theme in the book. You can love someone passionately and still honor the Lord. As a romantic person by nature, I found this refreshing. Christian dating didn’t have to be emotionless or excessively guarded. I could pursue my now wife passionately and fervently without thinking that it was sinful to do so or would necessarily lead to sin.
A second major theme in this book is waiting. Honestly, the best and most biblical Christian dating books I have read have made waiting on the Lord a central theme. And “Passion & Purity” is no exception. Just hearing the long wait Elisabeth and Jim had to endure illustrated how to wait well for God to bring you into marriage. Books like this help set your expectations in dating. Waiting is the norm. Patience is one of the best fruits of the Spirit you can cultivate both before dating and during dating.
The third theme in “Passion & Purity” is obedience and self-sacrifice. Elisabeth writes dogmatically, apologetically, and directly. This can turn off many modern readers who are accustomed to reading books which are non-confrontational, which hedge their bets, which are careful not to state anything too strongly. Don’t read “Passion & Purity” to get a lot of “exceptions to the rule” or “gray areas.”
Elisabeth Elliot will tell you straight up that following Christ requires you to die to yourself. Dating is no exception.
Now, I did not agree with every single minute thing in “Passion & Purity”. The only way you can make this book unhelpful is if you accept every little thing Elliot says as prescriptive. I don’t think that was her purpose in the book. Glean wisdom from her experience, and think deeply about the Biblical truths she applies to dating. If you do that, you will likely come away with a more biblical perspective of relationships than what you had before you read the book.
Christian Marriage Books
When Sinners Say I Do by Dave Harvey
When my wife and I were engaged, this book was recommended to us by practically every solid Christian we knew. I normally am suspicious when a book is a “must read”. But in this case, the recommendations we received were spot on. I have read a ton of books in my life so far. But I can safely say this is in the top 5 best books I have ever read. Easily. Every Christian should read it, even if they aren’t currently in a relationship.
I don’t use “Gospel-centered” very often. But I can truly say the Gospel is in every page of this book. I have never read a book that meditates so deeply on the gospel and then applies it so thoroughly to an aspect of the Christian’s life. My wife and I read it together before we were married and we still reference it in our marriage.
Every chapter focuses on a specific topic related to marriage and builds on the previous chapter. Most of the chapters have a memorable story to serve as an example, an exposition of a Bible passage, and then concludes with how living out that passage might look in your marriage. Harvey is an excellent writer who words things in memorable ways.
Once you read this book, you will start noticing in your marriage the ways you are falling short of God’s standard. But you will also see how the gospel covers and empowers you to reflect Christ and the Church in your relationship. If I had to pick out once foundational quote to summarize the book, it would be
Mercy sweetens marriage.
Where it is absent, two people flog one another over everything from failure to fix the faucet to phone bills. But where it is present, marriage grows sweeter and more delightful, even in the face of challenges, setbacks, and the persistent effects of our remaining sin.
When Sinners Say I Do, emphasis added
Read this book. Your eyes will open to what Scripture has to say about your marriage.
The Marriage Journal by Audrey & Jeremy Roloff
To end this post, I want to give a final practical tool my wife and I use in our marriage. “The Marriage Journal” isn’t a book to read as much as it is a set of weekly questions to ask each other. Every week you fill out a calendar of things you are going to do that week, read a short devotional, and then ask each other 6 questions:
- What brought you joy this week?
- What was hard this week?
- What is one thing I can do for you this week?
- Is there any unconfessed sin, conflict, or hurt that we need to resolve and/or seek forgiveness for?
- What is a dream, craving, or desire that has been on the forefront of your mind?
- How can I pray for you this week?
Why do I love this resource? It has helped my wife and I maintain a pattern of communication throughout our marriage. There have been countless important conversations that have come about simply from doing this journal week after week. An added bonus is you get to look back and see what you were doing, what you were thinking, and what you were going through that year.
This is a frequent wedding gift we purchase for people because we have seen the benefits of weekly communication. No matter where you are at in your marriage, scheduling time for serious conversation and reflection will benefit you and your spouse.
So those are the Christian dating and marriage books I recommend. And I don’t often recommend any other books besides these for couples. I find that they give enough wisdom, biblical insight, and practical application to guide you through dating and into marriage.
Do you have any Christian dating or marriage books that you find helpful? Let me know what they are! Click here to see my other book recommendations.