Learn Manhood from Christian Men

I have been thinking about Christian manhood a lot lately. Maybe it is because Father’s Day just passed. Maybe it is because my firstborn son’s due date is next month. But perhaps it is simply because I have found it incredibly difficult to get a straightforward definition of Christian manhood in American culture.

From society and many Christian circles, what I hear most is what manhood is not. Every definition is full of what men don’t do rather than giving a positive definition. More helpful Christian thinkers give positive statements, like men are called to lead, provide, and protect. Other Christians rightly emphasize key character traits men should develop, like self-control. Some call you to look to Jesus and His roles as prophet, priest, and king for insight.

The goal of this post is not to critique any of these models or even to define what Christian manhood is. The point I want to emphasize is not what Christian manhood is, but where Christians should learn what manhood is.

Both Proverbs and the New Testament Epistles are clear: men should learn what manhood is from other godly men around them.

Books on Christian manhood are useful, but limited

Books often cannot advise you in specific situations

I have read my fair share of articles and books on Christian manhood. Especially when I was dating my wife, I was incredibly curious about what it meant to “be a man” in the relationship. The answers I got were helpful and got me thinking. But I realized deep down I wanted a book that prescribed what Christian men do in every situation. But that is the limitation of good books: they can give you wisdom and cause you to think, but they are static teachers who cannot advise you in specific situations. A lot of my struggles with “what Christian manhood is” arises from living my normal life.

In daily life, I don’t often ask “what is Christian manhood?” Instead, I ask “how does a Christian man respond to this specific situation?”

As helpful as books are for understanding the Bible’s teaching on what Christian manhood is, to actually live as a Christian man requires something more than reading books. You need practical wisdom, practical advice, and specific answers to complicated life-situations. What you need is wisdom. And thankfully, the Bible tells you where you can get that wisdom.

God provides wisdom through Christian men

Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13, ESV emphasis added

I have always found this verse interesting. Paul seems to imply a few things in saying “act like men”:

• There is an objective thing called “manhood”
• You can express your manhood by how your act
• You can either act like a man in response to a situation, or you can respond by acting like something other than a man

The question is: where do you learn how to act like a man if books are insufficient? Where do you get the wisdom you need to respond to life-situations as a Christian man would? The answer I think is given both in Proverbs and the New Testament: other Christian men are the best source for Christian manhood. Now, I will caveat all this with a verse from Psalm 119.

How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word.

Psalm 119:9, ESV

Compare all the advice you get to God’s word. Even godly, Christian men who have lived many years might occasionally give you advice or thoughts which do not line up with Scripture. So take everything back to the text. That said, God seems to think other Christian men are often the source of wisdom and instruction for other men:

• “My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments, for length of days and years of life and peace they will add to you.” Proverbs 3:1
• “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” Proverbs 11:14
• “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
• “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” Proverbs 27:17
• “One generation shall commend your works to another, and shall declare your mighty acts.” Psalm 145:4
• “Be imitators of me, as I am of Christ.” 1 Corinthians 11:1
• “And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also.” 2 Timothy 2:2
• “Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith.” Hebrews 13:7
• “Likewise, you who are younger, be subject to the elders.” 1 Peter 5:5

From these verses, there are a couple things to see:

1. Christian manhood is taught by Christian fathers to their sons
2. Christian manhood is taught by Christian men from older generations
3. Christian manhood is taught by a multitude of men, each sharpening each other
4. Christian manhood is taught by observing and imitating godly men around you
5. Christian manhood is taught within the Church by elders who both teach and model Christian manhood

From this, there seems to be two main ways you learn Christian manhood from other Christians: they directly teach and instruct you, and you watch their life and imitate them. Practically, how do you do this?

Ask godly men around you direct questions

If you want instruction from the godly men around you, you are going to have to start asking questions. I don’t mean high level “what is your theology of manhood” questions. Ask direct, specific questions on how Christian men should live and respond to life situations.

I guarantee there are several men in your life worth learning from. They are just too busy being Christian men that they don’t have time to write books about Christian manhood. You have to extract their hard-won wisdom by sitting down and talking. Asking. Showing an interest. The man with five kids, a job, and who runs the sound room at Church probably has more profound thoughts on Christian manhood than you think. But to get them, you need to approach him, set aside some time, and come with questions.

What are some questions you can ask? Here is a non-exhaustive list of topics off the top of my head.

Ask about Church

• How do you balance family life with Church involvement?
• What does “leadership in the Church” mean for you?
• Do you serve the Church as an individual or involve your family in the ministries you are in?
• What are your thoughts on giving generously to the Church while still providing for your family?
• How do you choose what ministries and meetings during the week you attend?
• How do you make sure you don’t take on too much responsibility at Church?

Ask about family

• What does “leading your family” mean to you?
• How do you disciple your wife and children?
• How do you manage and steward your money well?
• What are your thoughts on children and technology?
• When do you make time for the Lord individually and as a family?
• How do you encourage and lead your wife spiritually?
• Describe how you schedule your family’s week.
• What do you help out with around the house?

Ask about vocation

• How do you interact with non-believers at work?
• What are ways you can make sure you have proper motivations for working?
• How do you keep your heart free from the love of money at work?
• What things do you do to stay involved with family life when you are away working 8+ hours a day?
• How do you enjoy your work without becoming a “workaholic”?

These questions are just a taste of potential conversation starters. The point here is to first think about the areas of your life where you don’t know how to “act like a man.” Then go and ask other godly men how they answer that question. Most Christian men are happy to talk about their own victories, struggles, and defeats with manhood. Start the conversation.

It is hard for one man to sharpen another if neither man initiates a conversation with the other.

Observe godly men around you and reflect on what they do (and why)

Asking questions is the way to get direct answers on Christian manhood. But equally important are indirect answers: watch the men around you and see what you can learn. Now, in order to do this well, you cannot simply watch godly men at Sunday service. You must watch godly men in their home, find godly men who work where you work (or in a similar field), and put yourself in a variety of contexts with other Christian men.

To learn how other men worship, work, and lead their family, you need to actually observe them in each of these contexts. Watching them on Sunday is great, but how will you see how they respond when their kids misbehaves? When will you observe how they talk with unsaved co-workers? You will need to put yourself in the path of other men if you want to observe their life.

It goes both ways: you need, as a man, open your life up to other men to observe. If you only ever pop up on a Sunday and never actually involve yourself with other men from your Church during the week, you probably aren’t going to learn much from other Christian men. And they won’t have the chance to observe your life and learn from you.

As you spend time with other Christian men and their families, you need to do a couple things:

1. Open your eyes. Don’t just “sit there”: observe what is going on around you. You can’t learn from what you don’t notice.
2. Reflect on what you see. Ask “why” to try to think through why a Christian man is responding in a certain way.
3. Be gracious and slow to judge. Try to understand why Christian man is acting a certain way but don’t jump to conclusions or assume the worst.
4. At some point, maybe ask that Christian man why he responded in a certain way. This will help you check your own observations and give you an idea of the other man’s thought process.

The goal with all this is to observe what “acting like a man” looks like in the field. Not just in your head. What does it actually look like. How do Christian men actually behave in situations.

People live their theology. So observe how Christian brothers lead, live, and work. Then you will learn what they believe about Christian manhood.

A final point: be discerning. The goal is to imitate Christian brothers as they imitate Christ. No man is a perfect imitator of Christ. But through observing other men, you will learn how to wisely respond to situations in a Christlike, Christ-honoring way.

Conclusion

The best and most memorable manhood advice I ever received did not come from a book. It wasn’t the result of some extensive study. It was a conversation I had with my dad a week before my wedding. I asked him what it meant to be a Christian man and husband. He gave me a sentence I will never forget:

Being a husband means getting done what needs to be done.

My Dad, Travis Nesmith

It isn’t doing the right thing for a reward or recognition. It is taking responsibility. Figuring out what needs to be done and then acting. Of all the advice I have read on Christian manhood, it is this sentence from my Dad which I keep returning to the most.

I think that is how God meant it to be. Christian manhood is learned in the trenches, not in some ivory tower. You learn it from those who are acting like men around you. Fathers. Friends. Elders. Church members. Older men. Younger men.

Our culture may be confused about manhood and what it means. But look around at the men God has brought in your life. Learn from them and imitate them as they imitate Christ.

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